Description: I stopped writing for quite some time. I'm a bit mixed up, very confused about a lot of things. Anyways I came back and a few of the more recent thigns i had written kind of helped me in a way (much to my suprise) and I decided to try and go again, reading through a journal like thing i've been keeping, I didn't find much material, in fact a lot of it appeared to be incoherent ranting. So I wrote this now as something to get me started again.
which places have you gone to?
which ones suited you?
how many must I walk to
we're both stuck in the same story
i hope that the ending is more
rewarding
then what we've got
i understand why monsters
like to watch other
monsters
i understand why I
would like to write it down
but i don't understand
why you would want to watch
you can take me far away
but i can't take you
and that's what I've been finding
that if my mind would stop clinging
to anything that helps
my mind would start to function
like everybody else
i understand why monsters
like to watch other
monsters
i understand why I
would like to write it down
but i don't understand
why you would want to watch
I find this very interesting and clever. Your writing I think could do well with a different perspective... really I guess what I mean is not addressing the 'you'. It becomes more relatable in that (I don't blame you for using the 'you' I do it almost exclusively, a habit I am trying to cut except for special moments) I mean imagine this line
I understand why I
would like to write it down
but I don't know why
She would want to watch.
Also the line "how many must I walk" can be confusing, because it is unclear if you intend 'roads' as the obvious choice or 'places'.
Try to refine your word choice... slowing it down, spacing. Lose the words that are not absolutely necessary.
good start!
Submission Name: untitled
