Description: I wrote this poem for a guy that I am Majorly crushing on right now. He doesn't share those same feelings, and I'm stuck in a rut.
Endless Love -------------------------------------------
I constantly think of you
Your lips I wanna kiss
There's nothing more I could do
Than think of this bliss
You're beautiful inside and out
That's what I love about you
It's you I can't live without
Everyone knows it's true
I wish you shared that feeling
Wish that you thought the same way
As of now my heart would be healing
I would live happier day by day
I don't know what to do
How could I possibly change your mind?
I hope I can make those feelings brand new
But right now, I guess I'll be fine
very nice work....well written......i love poems that rhyme.....although it is nice to write some poetry that does not rhyme.....anayways....this is a really great poem......i could feel the words hitting my mind....keep up the awesome work...sara
Awww this poem makes me sad. Anyways, I'm gonna comment on my own personal response to the piece since I'm not qualified to give advice to people. LOL.
It starts out strong with the desires and fantasies.. I love the passion in it the words. I like the rhyme, it creates a heavier sort of feeling and tone, like as though it is driving a point deep. I can totally relate to these lines "It's you I can't live without"... it's bordering on obsessiveness and it's like a feeling that drives you crazy... I know I feel it too! ! But it gets kinda scary that you seem to depend on him for your happiness.. yeah.. I know I do that too but to read it from someone else is kinda scary still... lol. And the frustration and suddenly the extreme diction becomes withdrawn in the last line. That stunned me quite a bit and the sadness just hit me in that line. The way you write is just so.. cool. xD;;
Awwww- you're crushin' on a boi!!! But wait! -How could he resist??? He must be mentally-retarded...
Now you're all sad...
And no- feeling that way is NOT cliché! Your feelings are never trite.
I would try not worrying so much about the rhyming and just kind of write exactly what you're thinking. -how and as you are thinking it.
Don't even worry about form or structure- just do whatever feels natural. Just take all your feelings on it and throw them out there...
You get better results that way.
Hey there.
umm i like this, i think you are becoming a better writer.
Love is a difficult thing, something that doesnt need to be rushed.
You need to be sure of these things,because it can cause more pain than it can heal.
So how are things going for you nowadays?
I was just palying around online, and thought i would check and see if you had anything new on here.
Hey if you dont mind, check out one of mine, called the difference,
it is kinda of the untold parts of my life in a short writting, things that i keep to my self.
Well that is all for now.
Peace.
I think that as young and inexperienced as you are you may think you love this person but it is just temporary and a couple of years from now the two of you will look back on this and laugh. I do believe that you are a promising young poet but you are still learning and it can take years to come to a point where everyone loves what you write. All that matters though is that you love it. I wish you all the best in your endeaveors of the heart, but I can also promise you that this is not the end of the world and pretty soon some other pretty boy will cross your path and this one time "love" will be long forgotten. I know you probobly think I am full of crap but I have been there, done that, and speak with experience and the daily reminders of true love, that this too shall pass. It takes more than pretty eyes and a cute face to truly fall in love.
So as for the poem itself, I think it is well grounded, if a bit too much like so many other pieces. I would like to see you branch out and try something new that you have never considered trying before. As for your heart, you will only listen to it, and not me despite my years of experience in this matter. I look forward to being kept informed and seeing more writing from you.
I also challenge you to write about something that is deeply important to you but is not a boy, or romantic thing.
If I may; when I first look upon your picture I see a young woman - very original and strong with adventurous and Alice-In-Wonderland eyes - "Strawberry Fields Forever"...
When I read the piece I lose that feeling...I believe you have more to say and express and not in such a "cliché" way.
don't worry about rhyming - let flow from you the emotion - let "IT" go and the true feelings come through - sometimes they easily rhyme and sometimes prose is all that is needed...
Submission Name: Endless Love
! But it gets kinda scary that you seem to depend on him for your happiness.. yeah.. I know I do that too but to read it from someone else is kinda scary still... lol. And the frustration and suddenly the extreme diction becomes withdrawn in the last line. That stunned me quite a bit and the sadness just hit me in that line. The way you write is just so.. cool. xD;;