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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Eyes Caught the Skydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 46
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1261
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 343



    Description:
       This was originally written:

    The cloud was shaped
    like a gauze-draped nymph
    and against the pale sky
    it reminded me of a Wedgwood medallion

    I'm open to suggestions as to which you like better or how to improve this. In case anyone is unfamiliar with Wedgwood: http://images.google.co.uk/images?svnum=10&um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-GB%3Aofficial&q=Wedgwood&btnG=Search+Images


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Eyes Caught the Skydots
    -------------------------------------------


    That bright spring day
    there were innumerable beautiful images
    sculptured in the alabaster clouds
    plump-bodied cherubs,
    gauze draped nymphs,
    elegant-faced cameos
    upon a background that changed
    from robin's egg to carnation to orchid

    a plethora of Wedgwood medallions.




    Submitted on 2008-01-23 21:19:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      upon a background that changed
    from robin's egg to carnation to orchid

    I think this is very pleasant to read.
    | Posted on 2011-07-07 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      That bright spring day
    there were innumerable beautiful images
    sculptured in the alabaster clouds
    plump-bodied cherubs,
    gauze draped nymphs,
    elegant-faced cameos
    upon a background that changed
    from robin's egg to carnation to orchid

    a plethora of Wedgwood medallions


    Hi Amy

    I really like this, I can just imagine that beautiful sky. You asked for specifics to improve on this, and what I see is some repetition that could be removed ie: innumerable/plethora –and thus the last line only adds the idea of wedgewood. I wonder if the first two lines could be rephrased by removing the ordinary—“bright spring day” and start with the images instead...and because you are showing the images, leave out the "telling" of the 2nd line.
    & I’m not sure that you need plump-bodied, I think “plump” would do.




    Sculpted in alabaster clouds
    plump-bodied cherubs,

    gauze-draped nymphs,
    elegant-faced cameos

    upon a background that changed
    from robin's egg to carnation to orchid:

    spring day
    served on wedgewood




    or some such....this is just my idea of what you could do with this....again I really like your idea and images. Thanks, I enjoyed thinking about this~Chris



    | Posted on 2011-06-14 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      i cant say much more than has already been said, except that i really adore this piece.

    its succinct, subtle, and somewhat sensual. its written very well indeed.

    sry for the lame comment, but what else is there to say?
    great job!

    -jp
    | Posted on 2011-02-28 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      i cant say much more than has already been said, except that i really adore this piece.

    its succinct, subtle, and somewhat sensual. its written very well indeed.

    sry for the lame comment, but what else is there to say?
    great job!

    -jp
    | Posted on 2011-02-28 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with Meoww on this one. The 'telling' line there reminds me that I am in fact reading words on a paper as opposed to imagining clouds in a sky.

    I do love what you made of the simplicity of it though. Everyone plays the cloud shape game, or so I believe and will believe that forever :P. I think this is something that everyone can enjoy the imagery from - and then add more to it themselves with their own experiences of days like these.

    It's a nice piece :)
    | Posted on 2010-10-07 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      you dont need to change a thing about it. its perfect.

    smiles
    | Posted on 2009-10-24 00:00:00 | by ghad | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this piece, it had such a smooth flow and a kind of elegance in reading it that you find in fewer pieces these days. Alabaster clouds was beautiful and really something unique to read. I feel a certain depth and dreaminess in this that just screams original and i believe that this is one of those pieces you can read over and over again and just get something new from it every time.

    :-)

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      "there were innumerable beautiful images"
    this is telling, not showing, amy... tsk tsk, haha. consider removing this line? please? this poem would read so much better because of it. if you did, maybe adding "were" before "plump-bodied cherubs" would sort out the syntax issue in regards to introducing your imagery. and one other thing? "elegant-faced" to me, is too tell, not show, either. an adjective instead?

    with that out of the way, this is very obviously your work. and that's a good thing. i love titles which work as a first line to a poem, too... intentional, right?

    you pack a lot of graceful punch in this piece, as i've come to associate with you. very dreamy yet very rooted in the objects d'art we see around us if we're so inclined.

    did you know there's a site entirely devoted to cloud watchers? thecloudappreciationsociety.org or something like that... funny, huh?

    anyway, just a short note of appreciation and nitpickery.

    great to read you again.
    you should post more.
    slowpoke.
    | Posted on 2009-02-04 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the posted version better, it seems more complete somehow, more unified. The imagery is beautiful, "alabaster clouds, gauze-draped nymphs, elegant-faced cameos"--- you paint with words a gorgeous skyscape.

    I didn't like the word plethora here though, and am not sure why.Perhaps all the other descriptions were so dreamy and gauze-like, and plethora is a harder word on the tongue. I think I would like a simpler word more succinctly descriptive of a group of medallions. Maybe a "collection," a hoarde or cache ? treasure trove?--- I dunno.

    Other than that wee niggle, I loved this

    Sally
    | Posted on 2008-12-05 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Being a huge Wedgwood collector myself... this was just gorgeous... You've captured the pure essence of the art portrayed on their plates and fine porcelian.

    "Alabaster clouds"... how beautiful is that!

    Great write!

    PS. I like this version better than the old one...
    | Posted on 2008-08-19 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Amy,

    That this reminded you of Wedgwood, I love that idea.
    I had an idea for an edit and am simply going to leave it here,
    you change what you like.

    That bright spring day
    countless beautiful images
    sculpted the alabaster clouds
    plump-bodied cherubs,
    gauze draped nymphs,
    elegant-faced cameos
    upon a background that changed
    from robin's egg to carnation to orchid

    a plethora of Wedgwood medallions

    I love these images though, you said you were going to write something new and this is going in my faves. I love it!

    Nan
    | Posted on 2008-02-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      i love "gauze-draped nymph" and think you should keep it in there somewhere.
    i'm not too fond of the extra long line at the beginning. it seems awkward standing there like that...

    i love the idea, though. here's a thought:

    inumerable images shaped the clouds,
    gauze-draped nymphs
    cherubs and cameos...

    i think a mixture of the two versions would be best, because i like the colours you use instead of "pale sky."

    i'd love to see what you can do with this because it is a beautiful image!

    love you,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2008-01-31 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you should've found a place for 'gauze-draped nymph' in there somewhere

    And the first line would be better shorter. Maybe you could split it in two.

    But that's just an opinion.

    *hugs* Great to have you writing again!!!
    | Posted on 2008-01-30 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece, although short, is very well written and grabs the reader from the start. I especially like how you say that "cameos" are hidden in the clouds. These "cameos" could be anything: an old friend, a pet, a lover...the possibilites are endless, and each reader has a slightly different take on it. This work reminds me of sitting on a hill with my girlfriend, and watching the clouds roll by. Good write.
    | Posted on 2008-01-23 00:00:00 | by Keaton Volkov | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoy both of the pieces and when I look into the picture (is that your wedding?) I associate the words in the context of enchantment, fairy tale and blissful life under the wings of love.

    Great!

    Amazing how long we've been at this site and all of the comings along we've all been through! Happy 2008!

    love,peace,joy,abundance & smiles to share
    tif ~*~
    | Posted on 2008-01-23 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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