The cloud was shaped
like a gauze-draped nymph
and against the pale sky
it reminded me of a Wedgwood medallion
I'm open to suggestions as to which you like better or how to improve this. In case anyone is unfamiliar with Wedgwood: http://images.google.co.uk/images?svnum=10&um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-GB%3Aofficial&q=Wedgwood&btnG=Search+Images
My Eyes Caught the Sky -------------------------------------------
That bright spring day
there were innumerable beautiful images
sculptured in the alabaster clouds
plump-bodied cherubs,
gauze draped nymphs,
elegant-faced cameos
upon a background that changed
from robin's egg to carnation to orchid
I think this version is much stronger and more memorable than the original. There is no "command" over imagery so to speak... it's more like a blend and you are but a humble observer. I've always liked this about your poetry, but I feel as time has passed, your observations have become crisper. So much beauty packed in a few lines, and I wonder what would be the result if you wrote something of an epic, maybe, or even prose. I've always believed a writer should never get too comfortable, so if I could challenge you, it would be to try your hand at length... while keeping your keen eyesight and humble observance.
I have nothing of use to offer this poem, other than to say I liked this more than your original. It seems more connected, more in tune.
That this reminded you of Wedgwood, I love that idea.
I had an idea for an edit and am simply going to leave it here,
you change what you like.
That bright spring day
countless beautiful images
sculpted the alabaster clouds
plump-bodied cherubs,
gauze draped nymphs,
elegant-faced cameos
upon a background that changed
from robin's egg to carnation to orchid
a plethora of Wedgwood medallions
I love these images though, you said you were going to write something new and this is going in my faves. I love it!
i love "gauze-draped nymph" and think you should keep it in there somewhere.
i'm not too fond of the extra long line at the beginning. it seems awkward standing there like that...
i love the idea, though. here's a thought:
inumerable images shaped the clouds,
gauze-draped nymphs
cherubs and cameos...
i think a mixture of the two versions would be best, because i like the colours you use instead of "pale sky."
i'd love to see what you can do with this because it is a beautiful image!
This piece, although short, is very well written and grabs the reader from the start. I especially like how you say that "cameos" are hidden in the clouds. These "cameos" could be anything: an old friend, a pet, a lover...the possibilites are endless, and each reader has a slightly different take on it. This work reminds me of sitting on a hill with my girlfriend, and watching the clouds roll by. Good write.
I enjoy both of the pieces and when I look into the picture (is that your wedding?) I associate the words in the context of enchantment, fairy tale and blissful life under the wings of love.
Great!
Amazing how long we've been at this site and all of the comings along we've all been through! Happy 2008!
love,peace,joy,abundance & smiles to share
tif ~*~
Submission Name: My Eyes Caught the Sky
