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    dots Submission Name: The Scenery of Departuredots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 230/390/136
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 651
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 554

       A rewrite of another poem of mine, though I don't think I ever posted the original on here. Much better this time around, anyway.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Scenery of Departuredots

    Four-thirty train reminds me
    of crush-packed suitcases leaning
    against an apartment door,
    all grey in drizzled winter light,

    thin hands that have forsaken
    former refuges (soft hiding spots
    turned hostile and unforgiving
    in the year’s tired vestiges)
    come to lonely rest on hips,
    on arms, anywhere but the seething
    no-mans land between two bodies.

    No words, just the punctuating click
    of a taxi door as I discover
    the scenery of departure.

    Submitted on 2008-01-24 01:24:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      lots of imagery in here and it all connects subdermally somehow... i'm lost with what message/s you did have though, but i know that's just me... i'm quite simple like that and look for... personality, honesty, y'know? that's probably my one overall criticism of your work (and i only say this because you seem to be a serious writer).

    back to this poem... it's a detailed train scene... lonely, busy, rushed. i guess i want more, i'm not sure what, but i want more to this. but maybe that was your intention?

    "that" in the first line of your second strophe doesn't fit to me. maybe change it to "which", i don't know. or maybe it's that whole sentence, how it all connects, which seems very... jumbled. i have my nitpicky hat on today, if you hadn't realised...

    there's great promise to this. i think what i meant earlier was that... i think this may be missing a concluding strophe.
    | Posted on 2008-01-29 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the first 4 lines very much. I*t was easy to imagi9ne being out in the gray drizzle, suitcase packed, waiting for the taxi.
    And the people who don't get along in the middle.
    The taxi seems very welcome to create distance between the two.
    The person is going. somewhere. That's what matters, i think.
    | Posted on 2008-01-24 00:00:00 | by azurwarrior | [ Reply to This ]

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