Description: A rewrite of another poem of mine, though I don't think I ever posted the original on here. Much better this time around, anyway.
The Scenery of Departure -------------------------------------------
Four-thirty train reminds me
of crush-packed suitcases leaning
against an apartment door,
all grey in drizzled winter light,
thin hands that have forsaken
former refuges (soft hiding spots
turned hostile and unforgiving
in the year’s tired vestiges)
come to lonely rest on hips,
on arms, anywhere but the seething
no-mans land between two bodies.
No words, just the punctuating click
of a taxi door as I discover
the scenery of departure.
lots of imagery in here and it all connects subdermally somehow... i'm lost with what message/s you did have though, but i know that's just me... i'm quite simple like that and look for... personality, honesty, y'know? that's probably my one overall criticism of your work (and i only say this because you seem to be a serious writer).
back to this poem... it's a detailed train scene... lonely, busy, rushed. i guess i want more, i'm not sure what, but i want more to this. but maybe that was your intention?
"that" in the first line of your second strophe doesn't fit to me. maybe change it to "which", i don't know. or maybe it's that whole sentence, how it all connects, which seems very... jumbled. i have my nitpicky hat on today, if you hadn't realised...
there's great promise to this. i think what i meant earlier was that... i think this may be missing a concluding strophe.
I liked the first 4 lines very much. I*t was easy to imagi9ne being out in the gray drizzle, suitcase packed, waiting for the taxi.
And the people who don't get along in the middle.
The taxi seems very welcome to create distance between the two.
The person is going. somewhere. That's what matters, i think.