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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I don't love your lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 843
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 455



    Description:
       my first attempt at free-verse, really. thoughts?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI don't love your lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    ‘twas not your love that touched me;
    It was your smile.
    It wasn’t that look in your eye
    But just your eyes themselves.
    ‘tis not your hugs that I love;
    just your tender touch.
    It wasn’t your kisses in the deep night
    But simply your lips so sweet.
    Can you see, even if you did not love me
    I would love you the same
    I am not in love with your love...
    Just in love with you.




    Submitted on 2008-01-24 16:15:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was written very well. You used so little words, yet it said so much. I've written poems similar to this, but not quite so.... For lack of a better word, sweet. Mine ended in bitterness and false bliss. I'm glad your didn't Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading

    »MIss MIsery«
    | Posted on 2008-01-24 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      This is more original than a lot of love poems. I kind of like it (which I don't find myself saying often about this variety).

    This is on a good path, but the form could use some work. If it's for a lover or something, I'm sure they're not going to mind, but it still has the potential to be a really interesting read. And, surprisingly, free-verse takes as much time and practice as formed-verse does (okay, so maybe not as much, but for it to feel comfortable, and read well, it needs some
    finessing). But really--nice job for a first attempt.

    (Just so you know--I'm getting picky here, so feel free to take this lightly. I'm only out to help )
    --

    Personally... I'm not liking the three 'it's in a row. It feels a little bit formulated. And then, really... if you look at it, you have ''twas's in there, which are the same thing. You broke it up once, which was refreshing, and then you threw one more in there.... Also, lines 5 and 9-12 are all in present-tense, and the rest of this is not.

    Here's an idea:

    Your smile touched me,**
    not your love.
    Not that look in your eye,
    just your eyes themselves.
    ‘tis not your hugs that I love,
    but your tender touch.
    ...


    (**though to be picky, going with the rest of you poem, it would be your teeth/mouth... I might say "You touched me," but that sounds a little too... dirty? I don't think this should be dirty... Also, on this note, lines 5 and 6 are out of place as well.)
    --edit--
    Actually; you could say your arms?? Since it's love... Love/hugs/arms.... idk... Just an idea.
    --
    Don't get me wrong--great first free-verse piece! Keep doing what you're doing.
    Thanks for sharing. Rachel
    | Posted on 2008-01-24 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]


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