I thought I was safe inside myself
But now I feel so violated
My every thought- subject to critique
My every hope- annihiliated
Blood leaks from my eyes
And leaves me seeing in shadows
So I fall to my knees, deseprate and blind
And for now, nothing else can matter
My heart breaks open with an ethereal light
I'm vomiting swords onto a Persian rug
My stains are all but removeable
And I'm falling into the graves we've dug
I pull a shovel down with me
And bury myself underneath
The dirt that closes out the outside world
But leaves just enough space so I can breathe
I've locked myself into Dante's Inferno
Trapped in a liquid crystal lake
And if I make a single move
All my bones will twist and break
Skeletons dance around my head
Singing wordless macabre songs
They've been kept in the closet far too long
And now they're airing out all of my wrongs
Their sinew-less movements are rough and jagged
They dance to Sensemaya
The laugh as I douse myself in kerosene
And light myself on fire...
This has a lot of potential as a theme, and I feel like it's sort of a baby trying to prematurely break it's way out of the womb. To me, it really has nothing to do with the rhyming, the rhyming is well done, I think, but the rhythm is sort of loss somewhere, because you could have sort of picked it up in the beginning, but then it just sort of took a turn, and maybe you wanted that. In the second stanza, you spelled the word "desperate" wrong", and maybe some people would say that doesn't matter, but I really appreciate when people point out spelling mistakes to me, because it takes the poem farther. I really do think this poem has potential, because at the end, you seemed to break out of whatever shell you started in, you could sort of see your creativity shine through, and it was brilliant. I especially like the part about Dante's inferno. Yea, this has a lot of good thing about it, but you need to let it out, like azurwarrior said.
Be well,
~Azura*
I agree pretty much with the previous comment, but my initial thought was that it needed another stanza to wrap it up or some change in the final. A simple matter of expectations I guess. I'm picky about being there and once it's said that I can't move, I find it hard to then "douse myself in kerosene And light myself on fire..."
"Skeletons dance around my head
Singing wordless macabre songs
They've been kept in the closet far too long
And now they're airing out all of my wrongs"
That has to be my favorite stanza. It's kind of universal to us all. Is that "The laugh" in the final stanza supposed to read "They"?
Good picture! I suspect there's more to it than meets the eye. Sorry, I meant eye sockets.
This is a very powerful piece. The ending is AWESOME!
The only things I might think as far as writing style goes is maybe not contain the words so much with traditional rhythms/rhyme schemes. It just seems like it might want to break free of that, so allow it to.......
Anyways, great work!
Submission Name: Implosion
