Insanity (revised) by girly101

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Submission Name: Insanity (revised) dots

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Author:	girly101
Elite Ratio:	3.92 - 264/224/127
Words:	114

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	161
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	706

Description:
A remake of somthing I wrote awhile back, I took in a completly different direction this time.
Revision since it was changed -2
Feel free to bash and give ANY ideas u have :)

Insanity (revised) dots

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The ominous clouds were heavy and dark,
Strewn across her midnight skies.
She bore an evil mark,
Beneath her mask of lies.
In and out of your life she went,
leavening drops of vermilion sin.
Bloody roses and scarlet tears,
Were what lie inside her mind of fears.
Angelic lips hold Satan’s grin.
Iridescent eyes,
Framed by pale skin.
Long silver hair,
Streaked with drops of rain,
She sat upon the mountain tops,
And slowly went insane.
As her soul slipped away,
Her body lie still,
And forever dead,
But the voices still remained,
Screaming inside her head.

Submitted on 2008-01-25 06:58:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Oooo, "leavening drops of vermilion sin" very cunning. That was definitly eye catching. Reminds me of some song, can't remember but vermillion is definitly in the title or the lyrics.

Poor thing, insanity is frequent though is it not? I'd say we're all insane in some strange way. Great peice, I enjoyed it. & the silver hair made me really focus on what she looks like, maybe write a tad more on that? But I doubt it needs it, that's only my own preference.
-thanks!
| Posted on 2008-08-01 00:00:00 | by kickit | [ Reply to This ]
  Having never read the original I can't comment on the revisions. What I can say is that when you look at what is trying to be portrayed (Insanity) you can't help but realize how perfect this is. Unless of course you have been on the brink (or are currently residing there) yourself.
So the question I have is, was she actually insane all along? Was it the evil without, or the evil within that drove her to the mountaintop? Not something I think the poem needs to answer, just a point of curiosity.

So, as others have pointed out, the images were great and it evoked a powerful visual element for me. Especially:
"Angelic lips hold Satan’s grin.
Iridescent eyes,
Framed by pale skin.
Long silver hair,
Streaked with drops of rain,"

Every reader can form a unique picture in their own minds about what this girl looks like, and probably all of them would be close to exactly what you are trying to portray. One of the first rules of creative writing is "Show me, don't tell me", and you pulled it off wonderfully. As usual.
| Posted on 2008-04-29 00:00:00 | by Immortalis | [ Reply to This ]
  This was awsome. very discriptive and a bit on the sad side. I liked it alot. good work
| Posted on 2008-03-04 00:00:00 | by Aangskate | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey!

sorry about not revisiting this! ok i see the corrections you made and im glad i can recomment on this.

It may not be as long as my first comment cause i think i covered the basics and i really dont want to repeat myself in something i already stated on the same page...

Another thing i think that could be cleared up is,

"Ice Blue Eyes"

Ok that is the perfect description of eyes if i ever heard one ( i have heard many of course yes me and my ego at it again dun dun dun!) But with the poem it seems a bit harsh. cause you are flowing smoothly into this ,
maybe another description meaning the same just diffrent wording.

"glacial eyes,
Iridescent eyes,
Turquoise eyes"

well i think you get my meaning. Something that is better than simply Ice Blue. I mean that is a very amazing color i know but since you are refering (well i think you are im not sure) to probably an emotionless person like

"her cold eyes stared straight into me peircing my soul with the coldness of a thousand damned souls..."

wow that's actually cool. i amaze myself sometimes. But if you are going in that direction you may try those words that refer to coldness but not so directly as to spoonfeed your readers

Ok i said this wasn't going to be long but there i went ahead of myself as always. But since i spoke my peice i leave yours intact erm or something like that anyway have a great day love of my heart!!!!!

all the love,
Nikki

| Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
  wow....awesome description really awesome.....I love it....I really do
| Posted on 2008-02-06 00:00:00 | by Squall Leon Hea | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey my beautiful Goddess of the Ravens and after life my sweet queen of the ocean my knuckles to my fingers!!! ok i pulled that one out of my butt but i couldnt think of anything for knuckles and stuff so hey sue me of kiss me muhahahhahahahha

ok down to business,

"The ominous clouds were heavy and dark,
Strewn across her midnight skies.
She bore an evil mark,
Beneath her mask of lies.
"In and out of your life she went,
leavening drops of crimson sin."

ahh the crimson word again. since i love you im ganna give you my honest to goodness critique and what i see here that could show improvement is "crimson" since we have developed a horried over dos of emo i have seen that word. so here is a list of other words you can use that is just effective...

Scarlet, cerise, vermilion, flame, blood red, wine, rose, and rust.

"Bloody roses and scarlet tears,
Was what lie inside her mask of fears.
Angelic lips hold Satan’s grin.
Ice blue eyes,
Framed by pale skin.
Long silver hair,
Streaked with drops of rain,
She sat upon the mountain tops,
and slowly went insane."

Beautiful! not to over drawn or to dramatic...though there is a dramatic flair but its to the point of a wonderful painting. Though again some of these descriptions have been over used in the past but not to much to make me want to read another poem oh and since i didnt mention it before i do love how you opend this poem, it caught my attention so i actually wanted to read this and not because it was a favor for someone i love dearly.

"As her soul slipped away,
Her body lies still,
And was forever dead,
But the voice still there,
Screamed inside her head."

Well the ending was kinda weak cause most poems with this nature does end in death. so next time try to be creative and dont be afraid to over step your comfort zone try happy poems or something. The more you expand the more better you will write...well that's my opinion anyway So you can either try another ending, maybe something more haunting but not in the way of death or even a sinister part. It still ends Well Just not as good as it could be. Wonderful work love

all the love and kisses
Nikki
| Posted on 2008-02-06 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
  hey hi this was great i think you could add to this and make it even better but dont get me wrong it is good on its own

sandman
| Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! This poem was writting simply amazing! It gave me chills while I was writting it, and quiet frankly I'm left speechless as to what to say about it... Very excellent imagery. Keep up the good writting!

-Rem
| Posted on 2008-01-27 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]

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