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    dots Submission Name: Locked Updots

    Author: azurwarrior
    ASL Info:    44/m/SoCal
    Elite Ratio:    5.03 - 86/85/63
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 724
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1022

       This is a depiction of a mental hospital. Interesting, I promise.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLocked Updots

    Here I am, behind locked doors,
    without a key.
    The stale urine explodes my only remaining haven.
    Millions, it seems milling their
    Nothingness under football helmets.
    Colliding with reality.
    Swarming like lost bees.
    Just yesterday,
    I was on the top of the world.
    I was free.
    But, here I am, on a cement floor and
    in a room with a crooked rectangular
    poorly sawed large hole.
    in the locked door.
    Maybe done by a fellow inmate?
    Surely they could afford better?
    How do I convince the Staff
    That I do not consider this punishment
    For failing to kill myself?
    That these therapeutics
    are helpful?
    These iron bars drenched in urine and screams.
    The red phone labeled "MALE HELP"
    Yes, it's us and them.
    Us, the permanently branded "insane"
    And Them, the normal.
    I had to cross That line.
    I am "of them."

    Submitted on 2008-01-26 18:36:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      There is another poem in here: yesterday this character is on top of the world, and also failed in suicide. What's the story there? What is this paradox?

    I was instructed and affected by this poem, so it must be a good one!

    The information and argument is presented just as it would be in a sonnet ... sonnets kind of compel that; but here you found a free-verse form that can aptly carry the same load. (This is very interesting to me because I just started studying sonnets!)
    | Posted on 2008-02-07 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like this poem. Here's why. It made me feel trapped, like I was the one in the locked room. So the poem was brilliant, but since I am too claustrophobic to be locked up in a metal room with cement floors, it made me uncomfortable. The end of the poem was interesting, because it reminded me of something someone told me, where 66% of families are dysfunctional, which is the majority, so in reality by social standards, the dysfunctional families are the normal ones. I would have liked to feel more of what he felt behind the room, than what I would have felt if I was the one locked up. I was kidding, I really do like that you did here, it was interesting, and very unlike what I have read before. Really good job, but I did wish that there was more emotion, but maybe you wanted it to feel as cold and apathetic as it actually is in a mental institute, which would be a brilliant way to portray that. It seems like srt of a journal entry, though, written in poetic form. Great job, though.
    Be well,
    | Posted on 2008-01-26 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]

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