[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: don't blinkdots

    Author: austin
    ASL Info:    22/ Male/ Odessa, Texas
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 376/396/84
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1085
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 550

       a work in progress, any ideas are welcome

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdon't blinkdots

    with the blink of an eye, I would have missed it
    Notions second guessing themselves a third and fourth time
    never would I have had expected to find you here
    and here i stand on the edge of everything coming together
    and walking away from everything that i've built.

    the crispness of a voice piercing an abyss
    drifting down to the one residing in the dark
    for far too long.
    wakes the possibility of light flooding in
    and recharging a world on a weakened axis.

    Submitted on 2008-01-27 13:25:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i think that this is great. Yeah, it would be good with some more to it, but I think if you just left it right like it is, then it would still be perfectly acceptable. I agree with borderline about that it. A look, a smile, any of that could be the 'it' you almost missed with a blink.

    I like the idea of a voice waking something from the grips of the dark, and strengthening it, merely by being heard.

    If you have ever spent the night with someone you care about then you know what I mean when it reminds of how suddenly it wakes you when you roll over and their warmth isn't right there beside you, or you lazily swim up to the surface of conciousness becauase you can sense them wathcing you.

    This makes me feel like it comes from the very first stages of a long awaited love, one that will be much cherished and little abused.

    Very nice indeed.
    | Posted on 2008-01-27 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
    I do not think this is a work in progress at all. I love the opening: "with the blink of an eye, I would have missed it"
    You can spin that "it" so many ways... If you had not wanted that coffee one morning and been in a certain coffee shop, you might have missed "it". If you had been at that traffic light ten minutes earlier you would've missed "it".
    The only thing I see is that you should put a lower case "N" on "notions" to match the rest of the piece. I also really like the line "here i stand on the edge of everything coming together". Sometimes we work so hard for something and when that fails, what we really want is behind that experience.
    The ending line is great too... "a weakened axis" symbolizes your struggles and your lowest point, but now you have the light.... and with light, anything is possible.
    Great job.
    | Posted on 2008-01-27 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]