Waking Life by lukewarm

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Submission Name: Waking Life dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	lukewarm
ASL Info:	1987M77004
Elite Ratio:	6.56 - 545/526/124
Words:	174

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	200
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1291

Description:
4th draft.

Waking Life dots

-------------------------------------------

you
think
improper thoughts
about me?
I'm a carpet magnet. My feet are criss-cross
and my legs are down.
but I'd let you,
know

A mountaintop; Snow; temple stone.
A swinging kettle sings of metal and steam
and your samisen dreams rake the wind.
Outside the fire
mantle thrown shoulder-wide,
feet getting cold
but not uncomfortably so.
Later,
there will be hot tea and gods
will come to visit
.
I found myself in Dover.
I found myself shaking,
frozen, thawing;
hot water falling all over the streets of this town.

You.
Standing in the coroner
eight ball in the
jacket pocket.
Crumbling.
A flash of locket and
wet neck slipping into
pickup trucks.
Sleeping in cars
and bars glut with rust and
dusty countertops.
Sweat.
This place and the fear of leaving.
This place and
fevered dreams. Whispering
between

morning.
warm sunlight pours
through drapes and blinds
spills over windowsills
and slips between bedsheets
in the silence before

Submitted on 2008-01-27 19:38:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  the breaks and use of punctuation here are brilliant man brilliant.
plenty of strong points to talk about for sure but i would have to start at the end and say;
perfect. just enough, if that makes any sense.
silence before? before beginning a life without someone close. thats my take anyway.
or could be before the beginning of this. like a dream in reverse. hmmmm...
this is exceptional and seemingly well thought out. good stuff.
| Posted on 2008-02-14 00:00:00 | by nudge | [ Reply to This ]
  ok, a proper comment this time... i'll try anyway...

A mountaintop. snow. temple stone
a swinging kettle sings of metal and steam
and your samisen dreams rake the wind.
Outside the fire
mantle thrown shoulder-wide,
feet getting cold
but not uncomfortably so.
later
there will be hot tea and gods
will come to visit

makes me think of a japanese girl, what with samisens (those weird lutes which sound like strangled cats in a way, but which look pretty darn cool when played by a sexy geisha lady) and then i back-tracked and thought of mount fuji when you wrote of a snowy mountaintop. and of course, hot tea (green tea, what else?) and also the imagery/thought process of the animistic gods they still worship at shrines. don't ask me how i come to know all this... ok, i've got an aunty who's married to a japanese fellow and friends who dig japanese girls and tell me everything about them (one great friend in particular is over there teaching english... something i've been thinking about off and on and on and off for a while now), and of course, i guess i've read a ton of history-based or pure historical books on japan. wow, so i did end up telling you. harhar.

so... um. is this about a japanese girl you like, then? one that makes you all blustery and rain-filled sodden like england usually is (the reference to the white cliffs of dover leads me to this)...

in your opening strophe, you're very uncertain in how you feel (to me); you show me a fluid character, a genie on a carpet so to speak, one who could grant wishes or who could just hide back in his genie lamp (totally off-track here but did you know the root-word for genie is d'jinn, a malevolent spirit? aladdin did a lot to make them good, y'know... haha, random, yes i know).

you.
standing in the coroner
eight ball in the
jacket pocket
walls crumbling around
a flash of locket and
wet neck slipping into
pickup trucks.
sleeping in cars
and bars glut with rust and
dusty countertops.
sweat.
this place and the fear of leaving.
this place and
fevered dreams. whispering
between

coroner/corner, eight ball pocket/jacket pocket... great wordplay connecting both ideas together. and... glut/rust/dusty... true rhymes and assonance... i immediately noticed that, and it's something that always works in a piece, often making readers wonder why it 'flows' and 'sounds rhythmic and smooth' without them really knowing why...

so, is this about a japanese girl you ended up bedding and then she left the next morning making you feel... like writing a poem about it all?

do tell.
~

| Posted on 2008-02-13 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]
  this just keeps going
the end is the beginning and it all starts again.
magic.

i like this.
there is something in the voice of the piece that is so... confident. confident in its lack of worth. the piece starts with an incredulous question... you think improper thoughts about me? as if to say that is completely unheard of and if they knew what you knew about you they wouldnt think such things...

it brings the reader in. it makes the reader want to find out why improper thoughts are so wrong... why you cannot believe such a thing would occur

and then you take the reader on a magic carpet ride. well... there is carpet but the magic seems long gone.

im a carpet magnet strikes me as the most brilliant way of putting 'door mat' into unclichéd imagery...

the line breaks are brilliant but then you and line breaks always went together so well.

i adore this though i think it makes me sad somehow...
| Posted on 2008-02-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  you're a goddamn animal. this was brilliant. torturous. windy. a slap on the face. and on my arse. kinda. y'know?

i see and feel lots of things in this. this poem has its own voice. definitely something which should be read out.
~
| Posted on 2008-01-29 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]
  'Improper' is so... proper.

You write like a bad dream. Like sweating through sickness and hallucinating all night long... Though I just reread and realized you wrote a line in there on that note, so perhaps the goal....?

Love the line breaks.

Awkward;
| Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]

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