Invisible by enigmaticone

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Invisible dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	enigmaticone
ASL Info:	22/m/nh
Elite Ratio:	2.94 - 16/36/23
Words:	71

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	97
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	483

Description:

Invisible dots

-------------------------------------------

Reaching out
Grabbing air
Fell so far
No climbing back
I see the light
Behind your eyes
It doesnt shine on me
Left in the dark
Inside your mind
Wish you could see
But you ignore
All the things
I have in store
A shattered mirror
Small reflection
Cant see it all
And you dont care
Wish I could find
A way to forget
To drift away
Out of your life

Submitted on 2008-01-27 22:26:18 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||

I see what you are trying to do. And to some extend the poem works great, but then…
I will start by going into the poem line by line, and then I will return to the overall impression in the end.

Reaching out
Grabbing air
Fell so far
No climbing back
- This opening is very weak. It is a cliché and has lost all deeper meaning; if not all meaning all together. You need to put a new surprising spin to this, or rewrite it. The opening is very important as you know, therefore you should tighten this up.

I see the light
Behind your eyes
It doesnt shine on me
Left in the dark
Inside your mind
This is actually very good. The combination of vision and mind is very clever, and it might even work as the offset of this text. The way you create a blind spot in the mind (dark spot), like with our vision brings something extra to this piece, and makes the position of the ‘I’ in the poem crystal clear.

Wish you could see
But you ignore
All the things
I have in store
It is a bit dangerous to claim that the ‘you’ ignores. It is not coherent with the notion of the blind spot. The blind spot implies the lack of capability of seeing. Therefore it is wrong to cast the blame on the ‘you’.
You start of with ‘Wish you could see’ whereby you acknowledge the lack of capability and blame in the ‘you’, where after you without hesitation proceeds to say that ‘you’ ignore. You need to work around this, and keep the image of the blind spot in focus, as this is the nexus of the poem.

A shattered mirror
Small reflection
Cant see it all
And you dont care
Maybe you should loose the shattered mirror – a bit used. Again the problem is the illusion of the ‘you’ intentionally does something. Not caring implies that the ‘you’ is knowlegable about the ‘I’ in the intimate sense.

Wish I could find
A way to forget
This works, as this is pointing at the ‘I’. Now he/she can wish something, which shows us the state of their relationship (or the lack of relations).

To drift away
Out of your life
Now consider if the ‘I’ were ever a part of the ‘you’s life! Again this goes against the notion of the blind spot.

Overall as I have noted, you lack focus. Either you a ‘allowed’ to cast blame – then loose the blind spot (which I really hope you won’t, as this is a brilliant image) – or you should rid the poem of blame.
A stronger focus on the frustration of not being seen would power this one up.

You have got a very strong base to build on, and just for the mental blind spot, I loved this.

-tZar

| Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.