Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Day in New Jerseydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: doppelganger
    ASL Info:    18/f/your brain
    Elite Ratio:    1.68 - 27/194/137
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 130
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 805



    Description:
       Based on a fond memory of my father and I. Oh how I miss that old, white firebird.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Day in New Jerseydots
    -------------------------------------------


    It plays back with dogs' eyes,
    The exhalations of a long past time
    When skies were painted by God and
    Tainted foliage never thrived.

    Stars were magic and from heaven torn,
    But they were away that morn.
    The jeweled sun had out thrust,
    Star and moon, from which night was born.

    Tiny form in a white frame,
    Father leading its way.
    The trinket fell out the beast's mouth.
    Love sung in his eyes; a sun ray.

    Sleeping beside a field of flowers,
    He left the beast and towers,
    And ran into the realm of spring
    To separate trinket from bowers.

    He plucked a blossom for the one with water's eyes.
    Love is magnificent. Life is a prize.





    Submitted on 2008-01-27 23:53:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't really care if the rhythms, kinda klunky, the imagery is beautiful and original which is waaaaay more than I can say for most of the stuff I read on here.
    I like it.
    | Posted on 2008-01-30 00:00:00 | by MC white | [ Reply to This ]
      Being from New Jersey, I felt I had to read this and was only slightly upset when there was no reference to New Jersey actually IN the poem. But I felt that it was strong, you had some crazy rhyme schemes.

    F.E. Your first stanza there wasn't really rhyme, you could argue eyes and thrived, but that's not even slant rhyme, it just flowed well making it seem like it rhymed.

    Then your second stanza, AABA.
    Third stanza, ABCB
    Fourth stanza AABA again,
    and fifth AA.

    So in actuality, I think it would be ABCD EEFE GHIH JJKJ AA (since your last two words rhyme with the first word).

    Crazy.


    Haha.


    I felt your second stanza could be stronger, it sort of broke the flow for me.
    | Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.