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    dots Submission Name: These...dots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 705
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 728

       This is just something...hell, I'm not even sure that it's done.

    It hit me in a flurry of caffeine and I had to write it down

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    These eyes have seen enough to know the truth
    That happy endings never last
    Despite this, they continue to sparkle
    And captivate as they never did in the past

    These lips have not yet found their match
    They're thirsting for a kiss
    The one that tops all others given
    And shows them what they've missed

    These hands have touched so many times
    But they yearn to roam free
    I want to paint a picture with my fingertips
    But who shall my canvas be?

    These arms have held a greater love
    Now they long for just one embrace
    Someone to put my talents to good use
    Before they just go to waste...

    Submitted on 2008-01-28 03:17:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Kittin's right. It has a respectability about it. And its difficult to attribute respect and maturity to that sort of primitive longing we all have.

    It sounds finished to me. If you do happen to add more I'd suggest only that you leave the last stanza as the last stanza. The 'waste' line makes an appropriate close.
    | Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by Morsketch | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that it has a quality to it that so many of your other pieces couldn't quite grasp.
    I like the way that it is both yearning and mature at the same time, needy without being childish. Good Job with that.
    I think that this is something so many people could relate to.
    As for being unfinished, I would leave it as it is, because if you added too much more to it then it would be too forceful, too needy. It has just the right resonance with that last line, a great ending for a very lovely piece.
    | Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

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