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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: W. I. P. - Help me out!!!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blu_kittin
    ASL Info:    20/F/Garden of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 711/397/207
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Story/Legend
    Total Views: 955
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 984



    Description:
       Not quite finished yet. Tell me what you think so far...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsW. I. P. - Help me out!!!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    He tasted of blood, and dark chocolate, melting slowly on my tongue


         He rode silent upon the dawn, a bitter sweet reminder of all they had fought for. He breached the distance to touch her, and in doing so pushed her away.


         The road was high, and paved with regret but still they had to travel it, for it was the only road they had, and they couln't stay where they had been.


         Mere days into the journey, she turned away to find an easier path, but was only big enough for her, and so she went on alone. He watched her bacj as she roda off, but never once did she glance back. The day grew dark and dim, and stayed frozen to the spot, shrouded in misery.

          The journey left her wary, and when she slept she dreampt of him, a nightmare to be craved.




    Submitted on 2008-01-28 10:48:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the phrase "a nightmare to be craved."
    | Posted on 2008-02-23 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I really loved this. Not even kidding. You were so vivid in your details.

    "...and when she slept she dreampt of him, a nightmare to be craved."
    This was my favorite part because it made me think, you know, if she dreams of him, she has bad dreams, and she wants to have those bad dreams, just so she could dream of him *talking in circles here*. I don't know... I loved it all the same.
    Favorite-addition material.
    Angel
    | Posted on 2008-02-12 00:00:00 | by bubble_popper15 | [ Reply to This ]
      

    That was kind of cool!?! I wonder where it could lead to? I wont mention the mistakes because someone already did(smile) My spelling sucks anyway LOL.
    Would love to read some more to this. Don't give up on the story.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      First some nitpicking at a couple of typos:
    couln't -> couldn’t
    bacj -> back
    roda -> rode
    dreampt -> dreamt

    Please read the entire comment, it is not as bad as it sounds in the beginning :-)
    My overall assessment is that you have too many clichés, which hollows the meaning of the text. I will try to go through them:
    He tasted of blood, and dark chocolate, melting slowly on my tongue
    - It does try to set a mood, but it ends up sounding like an absurd mixture of a film title and an M&M’s commercial.
    - What are you getting at? Pinpoint it more explicitly. Are you going for the intimacy (the tasting and melting) or just a mood setter (blood and dark). Could you combine this; or do you want to combine this?

    He rode silent upon the dawn, a bitter sweet reminder of all they had fought for. He breached the distance to touch her, and in doing so pushed her away.
    - As this is kind of prosaic you might want to chance the comma to a semicolon: “He rode silent upon the dawn; a bitter…”. Just to be on terms with the grammar.
    - You are using the ‘silence’ and ‘bitter sweet’, which without something surprising or profound, comes off a cliché. They do not add anything to the piece. On the contrary they empty out meaning; this is the problem with clichés.

    The road was high, and paved with regret but still they had to travel it, for it was the only road they had, and they couln't stay where they had been.
    - Taking the highroad!
    - Paved with regret!
    - The only road they had becomes a bit redundant.

    Mere days into the journey, she turned away to find an easier path, but was only big enough for her, and so she went on alone. He watched her bacj as she roda off, but never once did she glance back. The day grew dark and dim, and stayed frozen to the spot, shrouded in misery.
    - “she turned away to find an easier path,”. This is a contradiction of the line ”… it was the only road they had…”
    - When you tell of an option of ‘multiple roads’ you at least have to imply that it is in compliance with the previous stanza. Implying that ‘the only road’ is not THE only road, but referring to the ‘highroad’, which then can manifest itself in different paths, can do this.

    The journey left her wary, and when she slept she dreampt of him, a nightmare to be craved.
    - It just has too many words saying almost nothing; words which are implied and therefore redundant.
    - Either dreaming or nightmare should be stricken here.


    The way to really improve this, as far as I see, is to focus more on a single theme. I would suggest the destruction/death that comes with the lack of intimacy.
    Building from the first stanza (where you should try to narrow in on the intimate part) the second stanza becomes a more natural follower. How? The silence is used as an allusion to Hades, the realm of death in Greek mythology (this is the classical use of it in literature). In Hades we cannot utter sound; we are silent. Drawing on this allusion, you get closer to a description of death, directly linked to the loss of intimacy (the cause the loss need not be discussed).
    This way you open up for a way to ‘reach out’, where it gives meaning to talk about it, as something that compelled her to pull away/be pushed away (you need to decide on the dynamics of this. It must be clear if the active party is him pushing or her pulling.
    This leads to a stagnant relationship between the two. They are following each other on the same road, but they are in sense dead to each other. The connection/relation between them are gone. We have hit the point of no return, where they cannot do any good for each other. This must result in either them being dead (the metaphor) together or moving on… This is the path she chose.
    ‘Never looking back’ should then be unfolded as her realization of the doomed relationship. I think it is a mistake to interest you on what ‘he’ is doing (he is looking at her moving away; but the text is not really about him, which makes this part tedious).
    By just changing the line “The day grew dark and dim, and stayed frozen to the spot, shrouded in misery.” to “Their day grew dark and dim, and stayed frozen to the spot, shrouded in misery.” The becomes their, which condenses their relationship or time together to a period which has now ended.
    This way you get a freebee in the last stanza. The craving becomes abstract, it is now for the intimacy that was. It is a craving not to know that he and she is dead to each other, a way out of the hopelessness of having seen death.
    Then it suddenly makes sense to talk about a nightmare! This is the consequence of knowing and not wanting to know. It is the consequence of having felt death on her body.

    Hope you can use this.
    All best
    tZar


    | Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      A dream piece which reminded me of MacDonald's "Lillith".... advise: turn it into a short story....michael
    | Posted on 2008-01-28 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]


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