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Author: GoKart Mozart
Elite Ratio:    5.47 - 131 /93 /49
Words: 125
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1187
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 843


just a little something :)

ST 2: "If i do fail" or "if i'm to fail"???

hmmm.....what do you think? (i came up with the latter first)


The dreams in her eyes
were like the clouds in the sky,
and (like the smoke from a fire)
were her burning desire.

"I'll never give up,
I'll never give in,
And if i do fail,
I'll just try it again.

I'll keep my head up
And I'll never lie
And the day that i do
Will be the day that i die.

'Bye bye Miss American Pie?'
That song is for the birds;
If you listen to the words,
He all but ruins hers.

That will never happen to me,
A certain death epidemy...
Do you know what i see in my dreams?

If i told you, it'd fall apart at the seams."

Submitted on 2008-01-29 10:43:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I like the way you skilfully use rhyme and near-rhyme, and changing rhythms of speech. It sounds great recited. But the story isn't told clearly enough. Also, I heard the song once, because I'm 65, but I can't remember it, which I claim is because the song is so old, not me.

About that time, an ancient poet blew me up for making beautiful verse that she couldn't understand. Margaret Diesendorf, she rejected a poem because she was an Editor. I have hated critics ever since and never sent a pome to a magazine again. But the intellectual reaction is different from the emotional reaction: I agree that a poem's meaning - the top meaning - should be crystal clear on the first quick reading. The other meanings, well hey, that is the reader's problem; but the lead-in needs to be intelligible as well as this really beautiful verse that you write, otherwise the verseform is kind of wasted, or the poem just a private one.
| Posted on 2008-04-17 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok. I thought this was nicely written. I thin it should be "If I do fail" instead of "i'm to fail" because trying again would be pointless if you are doomed to continue to fail (which "to fail" gives the impression of)

Over all I think you have a spiffy piece here. I like the inclusion of that Song.

| Posted on 2008-01-29 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

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