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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Alluding to a Landscape dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: popular_myth
    ASL Info:    23/f/sp
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 26/32/19
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 63
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1476



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlluding to a Landscape dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sun kissed hot,
    The lake massaged cold,
    It’s current unstoppable
    In it I submersed.

    The water flew through me, in me
    And around me.
    Nothing un-clean,
    I became un-cursed.

    The crops grew up around us,
    We grew younger,
    Purer,
    The world became free.

    We had no language,
    We just laughed at nothing,
    Eyes to the sky,
    With nowhere to be.

    My feet were bear, half-undressed
    My soul so calm,
    My body transparent.
    My mind enhanced.

    My legs were un-clothed,
    Touched softly by wet grass,
    The untamed fire,
    It danced and it danced.

    Music was born
    Out of the night,
    I sang out of tune,
    Self-accepting.

    Demure moon light,
    Nothing too much unveiled,
    No eyes judged.
    Stars reflecting stars.

    Cultures intertwined,
    We ran through one another,
    Holding the same rope.
    Breaking bars.

    An exquisite world,
    An under-appreciated miracle,
    Always there and here
    To heal a stale soul.

    One day I’ll return,
    To the mother
    And dance
    By the cold moon light
    And the heat of the earth

    Round the hearth.
    In a trance,
    Enchanted
    My death
    My birth,
    I‘m in love.




    Submitted on 2008-01-31 06:30:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It works as a landscape in verse. The last line doesn't really make sense, and it does feel like it jumps around a lot, but there is an undercurrent of description that is just breaking the surface. You need to be wary of overdoing things, because occaisionally if you make things too flowery or try too hard to describe something with more adjectives and branches than you need it ends up falling just as flat as if you hadn't described it at all.
    EX.
    Not Enough - "He picked me up. We went out to eat. He's Nice.
    Too Much - "My knight in mostly shining but slightly tarnished armor arrived promptly at eight o clock in his deep navy blue chevy monte carlo for our night out...."
    Just Right - "My sweetheart showed up right on time to pick me up for our date. After a simple but romantic dinner we had dessert on a picnic blanket in the park before he took me home. He is such a great guy."

    You see what I mean?

    I think you did ok, but I would also really enjoy this piece if it was stripped down just a little bit, getting rid of all the unnecessary junk.

    Keep writing, you show a bit of talent.

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2008-01-31 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]


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