Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Hunter's Prizedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lorethriel
    ASL Info:    20/f/usa
    Elite Ratio:    2.96 - 15/12/8
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 966
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 562



    Description:
       My husband thought it would be neat to write a poem that guys could relate to, so here ya go guys!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Hunter's Prizedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A bow is bent against the wind
    His back against a tree,
    A deer walked into his sights
    He set the arrow free.

    The whisper from the arrow and twang from the bow,
    Sends a chilling message to the heart of the doe.

    It's eyes now glazeing over with blood red feathers to mark it's death,
    He stands in a silent awe as it takes a final breath.

    He now walks over to the site to find with great suprise,
    That this once majestic beauty is now a hunter's prize.




    Submitted on 2008-02-01 03:47:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hm. I see all these hunters could relate with your poem, but from the perspective of a "non-hunter" I don't see the man leaning against a tree as he takes his shot. I want the image of a hunter standing strong, proud, ready to take what he feels is rightfully his. Leaning against a tree I see an insecure boy with no balance trying to get his right of passage, which you support with the look of awe on the hunter's face...but I'm not sure that's what you're trying to portray? If it is, then well done, if it isn't, and you want the image of a strong hunter, I'd change that.


    But, other than that, your rhyme was good in this one. I read your poem about the Samurai first, but I liked this one better. The rhyming was beautiful.

    Some corrections I would make (which you don't have to make, I just feel it would make the poem work better)

    The whisper from the arrow and twang from the bow,
    Sends a chilling message to the heart of the doe.

    should be

    The whisper from the arrow, twang from the bow,
    Sends a chilling message to the heart of the doe.


    It's eyes now glazeing over with blood red feathers to mark it's death,
    He stands in a silent awe as it takes a final breath.

    should be

    It's eyes glaze over with blood red feathers to mark it's death,
    He stands in silent awe as it takes its final breath.

    He now walks over to the site to find with great suprise,
    That this once majestic beauty is now a hunter's prize.

    should be

    He walks over to the site to find with surprise,
    That this once majestic beauty is now a hunter's prize.
    | Posted on 2008-02-04 00:00:00 | by Renč Magrete | [ Reply to This ]
      this was an amazing poem. as a unter i liked readig something about hunting in a poetic form. great job!!!
    acm
    | Posted on 2008-02-01 00:00:00 | by thedemoninside | [ Reply to This ]
      this was an amazing poem. as a unter i liked readig something about hunting in a poetic form. great job!!!
    acm
    | Posted on 2008-02-01 00:00:00 | by thedemoninside | [ Reply to This ]
      hey this was cool as a hunter i could feel and see this
    well done great write

    U. E
    | Posted on 2008-02-01 00:00:00 | by Uncle Earnie | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    156902

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry