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    dots Submission Name: Emptied in the Streetsdots

    Author: Black Rock Tractor
    Elite Ratio:    3.78 - 555/824/140
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1623
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1094

       I like it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEmptied in the Streetsdots

    Don't cringe
    if I rip the sinew
    from the bell on South Street
    and wrap it around
    the rattly
    bag o' bones
    from cob-webbed rafters
    like rhesus monkies
    flinging shit at their own brains
    to scramble the stimulus
    hard-wired to their minds by
    Jesus doctors
    in the days before people died
    inside before
    they died out
    Seems like the thing to do
    when every mirror I look into
    is broken with grief
    stricken with shards of hate jammed
    in their spinal cords
    Not the kind of thing you can
    dislodge with a needle
    and alcohol
    unless the needle is attached
    to a tube full of
    hydrocodone and the alcohol
    is on a tray to be
    served to all the would-be
    patrons of
    this hollowed saint
    emptied in the steets
    flooding onto
    the sidewalks, a river
    of bile and red blood cells
    toting all the trash
    of the city
    to the bell on South Street

    Submitted on 2004-06-28 09:25:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Note to James "Alexian" Neal - feelings aren't always clearly defined. Also, Black Rock Tractor: I'm sorry, I didn't read the description. I really like this piece. Becky
    | Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      I hadn't read your description I love Kandinsky. I like the machine gun rapidness of this. It's like how Kandinsky filled his canvases with images that almost look organic but not quite. I focus on that period of his work because that seems to be to that to which you're referring. You know, with the medical references and such being "organic."
    | Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good expression of disillusionment with contemporary day to day living. I like the medical/ anatomical images. This is like Thom Yorke in that respect. I think it's spelled monkeys though.
    | Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Odd that she says that it expresses your feelings effectively, yet she doesn't even seem to be able to discern what those feelings are, no? Your imagery is strong--very strong. And the line breaks don't interrupt the flow of the poem, I think.

    ~James "Alexian" Neal
    | Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by alexianx | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a powerful piece it conveys your feelings really effectively, uses good imagery. great job it really hits hard. later lia
    | Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you have slightly too many line breaks: they interrupt the flow of the poem, and I know how addictive they can get. This is a powerful piece. It feels like a very fierce criticism of something, which isn't entirely clear: life? People? The city? I don't know whether it needs to be more specific, but in any case it conveys your feelings really effectively, uses good imagery and hits hard. Becky
    | Posted on 2004-06-28 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]

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