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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Andrewdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: contra mindy
    ASL Info:    15/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 7/5/7
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 119
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1631



    Description:
       This is really a surprising twist for me. I've never written a poem with such a subject before. My original intentions weren't even to make this poem dark! Ah well, the interlaced lines show how foolish my original intentions were anyway.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAndrewdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Turquoise blue
    a hint of black
    And just like that
    my heart leaps.

    An engrossed carving
    soft midnight hairs
    and seemingly softer eyes
    My smile competes to be the softest.

    "My wish is your command."

    In the mirror
    in the dark
    is when you see.

    Hold my hand while I try to remember
    Let me create a pure image of you
    Convince me, my dear
    that you really do love me.

    "What do you have to go through?
    What are your struggles?"


    But the way you look at me
    and the way you restrain yourself
    I will always remember.

    Greet her well
    And kiss me when I thank you
    in case I decide to face the truth.

    "If I can make your eyes sparkle
    but everyone else can too
    I will just try harder."


    You have won
    I even will myself to forget.
    Slip into my mind
    little sweet dreams
    replace those that weren't so pleasant.

    Like a fool
    I let myself go
    Murmuring to myself
    in hopes that when I am alone
    I can pretend you are here.

    "How will our baby be?"
    "Your soft eyes, my soft smile
    makes the baby the softest of all."


    Good night, little baby.




    Submitted on 2008-02-03 12:46:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem's essence is quite innocent. Love is like every other detail in life, only we think it special. Maybe it is.. Maybe it isn't... None will be the wiser, except the one who contrived the ruse.

    The piece is basically straightforward, which is good. If you ever find yourself having difficulty with a piece, the first thing you should do is one of these. It's a real diamond in the rough, you know? Now you need to cut it and shape it into something beautiful. First thing I would work on is the words themselves: your introduction is nebulous and esoteric. What do I mean by that? Well, you are introducing us to ideas not quite metaphorical and just plain ambiguous... Loose in meaning you know? Green blades (though this is actually metaphorical) could be grass, it could be poisonous swords or the undulation of a skirt.. Do you understand what I mean? But see, if I just put green blades dance along the brow of the horizon... Will you understand exactly what I mean?

    Secondly, how you choose your words is important as well. Avoid using the same ones over and over. An example would be soft in this piece... I think you used that word more than several times. That's a no no, especially since you said it yourself, this is a dark piece. Smooth, adherent.. there are other words out there you know?

    Lastly, I might suggest trimming the general structure of your piece. Why do you have line breaks like you do? Why do you cut strophes the way you do? 4-4-1-3-4-2-3-3-4... I mean there is no sense in that.. and lack of sense is lack of beauty (unless it's the intended product.. but we all know that isn't the case here..).

    Of course.. if you are satisfied with your piece... you can leave it the way it is.. But I suggest going over it and toying around with it. One time piece are seldom truly beautiful, merely memorable.. you know?
    | Posted on 2008-02-04 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]



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