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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: His Concrete Lipsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mieko
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 253/209/99
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1004
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 726



    Description:
       ...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHis Concrete Lipsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    His Concrete Lips...
    A lingering girl, tracing his chin with her fingers
    Like a statue, he won't even move
    She can feel him but he dosen't feel her

    The Body is a temple, but it dosen't usually act like one
    Where has his heart gone?

    She'd touch him hesitantly...
    As if nothing had changed,
    Alas! This man had turned to stone! Petrified...

    A glint in her eye...
    Painful.

    She longed for him to move and touch her...
    Again;
    The way that it used to be when he wasn't frozen.
    If she'd left his side, maybe she'd find-
    Someone who wasn't turned to stone.




    Submitted on 2008-02-04 02:02:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First of all, I love landscape pic and the one above is gorgeous!

    Now, being a serious commentor...

    "A lingering girl, tracing his chin with her fingers
    Like a statue, he won't even move"

    Yummy feeling! I just get the chills b/c I've been in that place before. I was never able to think of how to word the feeling though. This helped.

    "She can feel him but he dosen't feel her" - This line doesn't seem to flow so well with the piece. Maybe re-wording it would suffice. Same point but a more abstract/heavy feeling.

    "The Body is a temple, but it dosen't usually act like one
    Where has his heart gone?" - I don't like this stanza at all. Seems to get off topic. You placed a temple randomly beside stone, and it just doesn't seem to fit quite right. Then you proceed to ask a question that jumps back into place. Honestly, I think it is an overused, clichéd question. Best to make it sound original or get rid of it.

    "She'd touch him hesitantly...
    As if nothing had changed," - Love this bit!

    "Alas! This man had turned to stone! Petrified..." - Um, the poem was heavy and sad, but then you went 18th century on the reader and said "Alas!" and used exclamations, making the poem feel a little bit superficial and not so serious. I do love the word "petrified," though. ^_^

    "If she'd left his side, maybe she'd find-
    Someone who wasn't turned to stone." - I like the way you leave the reader. These last lines flow with the poem and end it just right. It, um, how do I describe it...Hmm...It leaves a kind of closure as if the end of a story, but it also leaves me longing for someone not turned to stone with the girl of whom you speak.

    Rather good.

    -mo-
    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      Great Job!!!
    This write to me describes someone who is deeply in Love with another but sadly this other person cant or dosent know how to return this deep Love
    Some People such as myself are afraid of Love as in a relationship
    Its not that they dont Love You in return its just that they just do not know how to
    I saw a Lot of myself in this write
    I Thank You for sharing this

    Please keep in touch!!!
    Ive missed hearing from you
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-06-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Personally, this is the best one I've commented on today. I loved the imagining in this poem. It spoke of a story deep within the poem and it even had a little anti-transendentalism in there with the fact that you don't find out if the girl does move aside to find someone who isn't stone or if she stays with the one who is. Very good. I look forward to reading more of your works.
    | Posted on 2008-04-10 00:00:00 | by BeautifulSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      I really get this one. A love grown cold is the worst love of all, in my opinion. I like how you express that here. The stone/concrete image suits it well. Also, one can feel the longing burning inside the heart of this person. Nice work!
    | Posted on 2008-02-05 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey

    It is kind of sad poem. I really did like the feeling of the poem. It is more like a story to me. I think you have done a good job here, it is a well written poem.

    Sanam
    | Posted on 2008-02-05 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      hey
    i like that its kinda abstract, a story under a story, or so it seems to me. watch the spelling of "doesn't" you've got it mixed up a couple of times, that happens. but yeah. i like it, nice work.
    Regards, Kalinda
    | Posted on 2008-02-04 00:00:00 | by Kalinda | [ Reply to This ]
      Huh. I am unsure what this poem was about. Do you think that you could maybe explain, and then I'll critique it?

    Duv
    | Posted on 2008-02-04 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]


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