Description: Just my description of my Great Love's gaze out and at something that she yearns to be.
The Vulnerable Hourglass -------------------------------------------
Icy and omnipotent
her gaze sands through my hourglass
falling disjointedly towards a mouthless summit
a mass of forgotten grains
of collapsing standards
and carefree deployment
when she hit
she lost sight of the top
and when she woke
she was certain
she would never reach the bottom
as she tumbled down the steep pile
her fingernails clawed desperately at the disintegrating moments
while the pyre's vacant smile quipped at these failed attempts
she would not relinquish her hold
until her fingers ripped free
some semblance of her dreams
desires remain functional
only on the surface of despair
deeper down
she crowns the outside world as laughable
as the sands gather 'round
time is not capable of sharing empathy
but the direction she turns her head now
is one that eternally consumes me
she appears outside the glass and in front of me
staring at something that bothers her convincingly
and very soon it will leave her eyes and she will smile back at me
o_O I love reading other peoples comments before placing my own. It's interesting to see how other people interpret your work without knowing you, or really understanding the essense of the poem. I know there's always a description, but still. Out of all the beautiful parts of this poem people pick out the obvious and comment in general on the beauty of a metaphor, no specific reference point of what they liked, just a metaphor, and sand dunes...
oh boy did we ever see some sand dunes..haha, sorry, i know that's unrelated. okokok....
I've said it before and I've said it again, I love this, I love being your muse(even though I rarely am anymore). This is just slightly sad, from my point of view, because the face, the look you are writing about i try sooooooo [censored] hard to hide.lol. I just try not to let people see it, I mean I talk to you about it, about all these things I want to be for you, things I think you want, or deserve, parts of other people...but I never want it to show on me like that. I dont want to look vulnerable like that.
"some semblance of her dreams"
semblance, hells yeah beetch!!! :D
"staring at something that bothers her convincingly
and very soon it will leave her eyes and she will smile back at me"
I do, I always turn back and smile, again, because I dont want people to see me like that, staring at them with envy, wanting to be them...so I'm just like whatever, I've got a beautiful lover(somehow) and that's all anyone needs, so they can envy ME for that...:D
I loooooove this, partly because it's been so long since you've written me, and MAINLY because it's [censored] brilliant....oh yes, back into my old ways of calling your work exactly what it is time and time again....*spoken like Oprah Winfrey*BRIIIILLIAAANNNNNT!!! :D ok love, well I will see you in 8 days...and I will talk to you in hopefully a few hours, and I will see you a few hours after I talk to you...so until then, be safe, be good and love me....:) MWUAH
I like your verse, free verse is not often done well but you do fine! and it is a tender and perceptive, deeply involved love-song, and like azurwarrior, I felt the sandy texture of the (rather hackneyed) time metaphor. In my case, it reminded me of desert dunes .. they can give you a feeling of being trapped inside an hourglass, sometimes!
The hourglass part of the time metaphor is not "hackneyed" like I said the sands-of-time concept is. You got the hero of the poem all involved with this mystical egg-timer, and the effect is really beautiful!
I enjoyed reading this poem. All the imagery with the sand and the woman and the hourglass was quite imaginative.
I felt the grains of sans slipping and was a little surprised the speaker expected her to be smiling, but maybe that's just me.
Good write, in any case!
Submission Name: The Vulnerable Hourglass 
