I am not gonna awe at this piece, unlike everyone else. That is me I am weird...
It makes me feel nothing, think of nothing... Blank, total blank as i read.
Maybe I am blasée, but I seriously fail to see the point. Maybe all shd not have a purpose, but to me poetry shd speak to me. It shd stir some emotion dozing off somewhere in my mind. And this is like wth? Maybe Alia is right it is just an exercise.
I won't judge ur poetry based on this though, this is a bunch of random thoughts that maybe u had fun writing, but of no real interest.
Do you think that the truth has many faces or it only has one face that reaches many things with limited vision? I haven't really thought about that yet but, I'm gunning for the latter.
Anyway, I'm probably the biggest optimist in this piece so it's OK if you don't want to take my comments seriously.
I think that the piece has a life of its own and it's fun to watch it protrude, to a certain extent, beyond the most inconsolable of forms. And I think that, in order to appreciate it, one must enter a state of acceptance and surrender to the lyrical evolution - read the medium not the message.
It's not the most marketable stance, I have to admit because not everyone finds comfort in going outside what has been set. But it definately forces us to look at things with a hungry mind; a must for evolution.
And besides, if people need help getting there, all they need is Pink Floyd's Dogs on repeat and some grass here and there...
Anyway, I'm not sorry I read this one. It has an alluringly delirious touch.
This was fun.. Jaques? sharks? Anyhow just about anything could be pulled out of this, if you happened to be random enough. But just a little note on the jester, that you probably already know. Apparently many years ago they were used to tell the more unpleasant truths, simply because they did so so jokingly they would get away with it. But then again Lawyers also get away with telling lies, though I don’t know they really tell lies. Perhaps just have too much faith in a clients word; so their lies would be secondhand, but someone has to do it, defend people that is. I do like the broken words that come together and read both ways back and forth, all very stilted but moving, it’s likeable.. to me anyway.
Very interesting piece. Love the imagery...I'm jealous of a few things written here, which is wonderful! I think any writer who does not feel some sort of jealousy over pieces writen by someone else should rethink their chosen artistic expression. I particularly loved,
Sweating water bottles under a
star that can not be seen at
Wonderful. As well as the allusion in the last line,
"Dear Pinocchio, young men don't tell lies."
I do have a bit of a qualm with,
The first line is possessive of the chirp while the second is not of the voice. If this was intentional, I am afraid the meaning has missed me. If anything I think the first line should have the apostrophe removed and the second line made possessive. Just a suggestion.
Allright. I haven't given good criticism in some time so bear with me.
Now if my Italian serves me well, "prego" means "you're welcome" or I've got it mixed up with a brand of pasta sauce.
On an earth where jesters speak truth and lawyers lie,
This had to be my favourite stanza. Not because it's the beginning, but it's perfectly incomprehensible. I love the sensation of knowing and not understanding, especially in poetry, it gives one this very uplifted feeling.
What I don't enjoy is the sort of halted feel of the rest of it. The best works are spontaneous, I agree, but sometimes we need to give them a bit of a look over.
E.g. [being stickler-ish.] punctuation misuse in the last two line stanza, it should be "crickets", not "cricket's". Unless that was singular, which in that case there should be an "a" in front [I know, I know! It ruins the rhythm].
Overall I have a good feel of the piece, enjoyed reading it and not comprehending anything [but understanding art is for chumps, yeah?] though I may confess I don't have much taste for the two stanza play. Interesting word choice makes up for that though.
O.k., i completely disagree with everyone. i personally think that this is a fine, if not brilliant peice of writing and it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with people. i know that we all have our own opinions, but these previous comments are rediculous. they were written by people who have no concept of creative writing or art movements. words, phrases, grammer... these things are not set in stone. we should approach writing like we do a painting. it's good to have the guidelines of technique, but in the end, the work should be fluid, collage-like, abstract to the point of cubism. realism has it's place as well, but to disregard a beautiful peice of art because it doesn't fit some outdated classical standard seems fogged by ignorance and established mediocrity.
You recently gave me a somewhat mixed review but i have to go on the line here and say that this peice is beautiful and the previous commentary was foolish and seriously lacking in any true depth.
Well, first off, welcome to Elite Skills.
Second, thanks for the comment on "This is Why I Hate You..."
At first, I thought I understood your poem, or at least would have been able to piece it together. I'm sorry, but I was completely lost. I agree with lorethriel, it has no flow, rhythm, or structure what so ever. (sorry!) And your choice of puntuation is a little effy.
and by the way, I have a very long story about my name, but Death is a female.
Well, since you like constructive critisim, here ya go. The whole thing has no flow, rythmn, rhymn, or structure. It makes no since and leads no where. It seems to me that it has a few fancy words and nothing else to make it sound even somewhat interesting. You might want to work on your puncuation some more.
I went to college and had proffessors put A's on my work. I left english with all A's in the class. So I'll be honest with you. This piece would be laughed at if you gave it to a proffessor. If your going to write something, give it your best. Try rewriting it some more when you get the time.
y'know, i have no idea what this means haha. it's original and you have cool wordplay like droplets, bakery, orchestra etc etc.
i guess... this is one of those spur of the moment subconscious surrealist type automatic writings, right? i do these all the time.
ok, i have a few nitpicks seeing as you seem the type to want them... "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe... yes, yes, i'm such a punctuation/grammar nazi at times, forgive me... and the other thing was your use of weak end-stress words. personally, i've never been a fan of them... i do understand it makes the reader read onto the next line faster, but still, it's... messy to read. just my two and a half cents if you count inflation...
so, i've read this again and from your word choices i get the overall feeling of some sort of play in your head, complete with otherworld characters and the aural notes to go with it.
yes, it's very surreal. if you care to explain, please do. if not, it's all good.