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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A momentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rubymoon
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 155/162/91
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 610
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 718



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA momentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A look, a touch…
          Understanding blossoms
    No words needed,
          don’t speak
    Try not to break this spell,
          your hold on me
    A fascination of you…
          Let your guard down
    Give me but, a moment,
          stolen just for me and you
    Let this moment exist only between us
          No one else needs to know

    A touch, a jump
          Maybe then we will realise,
    that I belong to you
          and you, to me




    Submitted on 2008-02-08 04:08:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is okay. I suppose I was expecting more of how you felt in this moment and less of how everyone in the world usually feels in a moment like it. It was somewhat cliché for me.

    In line 9 of the first section, I guess you're trying to emphasise "the moment" by puting a comma after "but". However, that's grammatically dodgy. I suggest you remove it. Apart from that everything seems fine. Although in the end you could replace the very last comma with anticipation dots as I like to call them.

    Keep writing,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem very much. The only word that doesn't seem to fit for me is the word "jump" in A touch, a jump...? What about replacing it with something that results from a touch... like "a kiss"

    Just some food for thought. I enjoyed the images that the poem creates - two people experiencing the first emotions of a secret love.

    Dennis
    | Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by Daokao | [ Reply to This ]


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