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    dots Submission Name: Lost Storydots

    Author: Ayane
    ASL Info:    17/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    2.75 - 71/128/60
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 559
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 914

       Written for a dear friend that I lost

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLost Storydots

    There was a boy I used to know
    He greeted friends, his eyes a-glow
    To all his friends, he did no wrong
    Well-kept together all along
    But as he turned his face away
    His eyes grew dark, his walk would sway
    He'd never let them realize
    His hardened shell was full of lies
    So much doubt was in his mind
    He wanted out, to leave behind
    The things that kept him up at night
    To leave behind the senseless fight
    I tried to hold his head above
    The water with my willing love
    But even that began to fade
    He ran from our safe place we'd made
    I let him go and wached him fall
    Oh the irony of it all
    The boy who once could fly so high
    Fell to his kness to wish he'd die

    I hope he's well, with mind in tow
    I miss him more than he could know

    Submitted on 2008-02-08 18:14:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was lovely. It flowed pretty nice and had very vivid imagery. The story was told fluently and I got a lot of emotion from it.

    The end suited the piece nicely and tied it off well.

    I hope your friend is ok!

    Great job on this!
    | Posted on 2008-02-09 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good! A story told in excellent rhyme. I enjoyed this very much and I could feel the emotions you envoked. thank you for sharing. Jerilynn.
    | Posted on 2008-02-09 00:00:00 | by Jerilynn | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good Ayanne! You have a developing skill with writing that is remarkable! The story and rhyme scheme here is very good!
    The story that you have told here poetically is heartfelt and remarkable!
    | Posted on 2008-02-09 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]

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