Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Startling Moment of Awarenessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raistlin Sith
    ASL Info:    22/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 106/182/66
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 1665
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1138



    Description:
       In this poem, I'm talking to and about myself. I joke about smoking in the first line, because I don't really smoke, unless I'm stressed out or drunk.

    the second and third stanzas are talking about my earlier poems, and the last line of the 3rd stanza is a reference to something a friend said.

    I used to be a lot more creative in my poetry, some of which was never posted here, or deleted to avoid pissing some people off. The her refers to two people actually, an old lover I'll call Rachel, and a new girl who has stolen my attention. I was reading my stuff one day and realized all i write anymore is stuff about one of those two, and i was pointing that out. The part about a heartbreak I've been egging on for years is a statement about my inability to either make the right decisions or be assertive enough when it matters, and I usually end up burned.

    I have a lot of dreams about this new girl, and I was pointing out to myself how my thoughts seem to focus on nothing new about either her or my relationships in general.

    The last stanza is referring to my realization that i'm going to have to let her either piss away a good thing or make her choice, but that either way I can't dwell on it. The third line is a reference to the years I never accepted this fact, and the last line is for laughs for anyone who caught what this poem was about.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Startling Moment of Awarenessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm staring at this cigarette
    that I never meant to touch
    until you came around
    and it all became too much.

    We've all got our own problems
    but you're making this a trend
    and you've finally got me kneeling
    down and begging for an end

    to your constant cries and whining
    about how things aren't fair,
    and if this shit continues on
    nobody else will care.

    It's sad how far you've fallen
    from the legend you once were,
    now you're just a museless bard
    that only thinks of her.

    So tell another story please
    that doesn't end in tears
    about another heartbreak
    you've been egging on for years.

    Just in case you haven't noticed,
    you've tired out the theme,
    so find some inspiration
    or at least a different dream.

    One day you'll have to grow up
    and move on to something new,
    but you don't seem to realize;
    I'm glad that I'm not you.




    Submitted on 2008-02-09 14:40:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Good rhythm and rhyming, except the second stanza gets a bit off.

    "We've all got our own problems
    but you're making this a trend
    and you've finally got me kneeling
    down and begging for an end"

    Every other line in this poem can be taken by itself, it may not be complete, but it flows. The 3rd and 4th line in this are a bit awkward and don't flow as smoothly as the rest. I think kneeling is pretty self-explanatory so you don't necessarily need 'down' since that's what throws off the 4th line. I'm not sure what you could add to take it's place to realign the rhythm, but if needed, 'down' can move to the 3rd line and finally can move to the 4th and it would still work.

    'and you've got me kneeling down
    and finally begging for an end'

    not quite right, but it's a thought.


    Overall though, good imagery and flow. Nicely done.

    Dani
    | Posted on 2011-02-12 00:00:00 | by sacred_tears | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm like the other two (below) - sympathise so much that I really don't want to criticize, just enjoy!

    Having a relationship with oneself about relationships with others is such a good kind of drama for the highly organized arguments which you generate in your poetry!
    | Posted on 2010-07-29 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this piece is powerful, strong, and i can relate to it. I look for that in poetry, the power to be able to make someone feel the emotion you are feeling and being able to write it down in a poem. i love this piece, it's a fav
    | Posted on 2008-02-11 00:00:00 | by withouthope | [ Reply to This ]
      That is one of the best things I've read in a very long time. I love every word of it.

    "Just in case you haven't noticed,
    you've tired out the theme,
    so find some inspiration
    or at least a different dream."

    Could that be any more perfect? I'm actually somewhat speechless.

    I think this could be interpreted a few different ways, but I'm way too tired to make a list of everything I got from it, so I'll just smile and be on my way.

    I can offer no constructive criticism because I wouldn't change a thing.

    Wonderfully done.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2008-02-10 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    157290

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry