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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Kiss in my Sleepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeepDreamer2008
    ASL Info:    17/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    6.89 - 714/497/55
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1319
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1182



    Description:
       You only really know the depth of someone's feelings for you when you are asleep, and because you're asleep you don't realise them. I caught a fragment of those feelings one night...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Kiss in my Sleepdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Over something stupid I get distraught
    A sentence, a word, a look, a thought
    Emotions growing high, I'm being a snot

    I go to bed angry, saying words I'd never mean
     

    In the midst of sleep a warmth comes near
    Tucks a strand of hair behind my ear
    Wondering if I'll wake, his touch sincere

    He comes back regardless of the arrogance he's seen
     

    I'm scared to move lest he would retreat
    My heart screams love with every beat
    And finally his lips with mine asleep meet

    I realise what an undeserving idiot I've been
     
    *****
     
    I go to bed angry, saying words I'd never mean
    He comes back regardless of the arrogance he's seen
    I realise what an undeserving idiot I've been
    And I wonder what I've done for him to be so keen

     




    Submitted on 2008-02-10 09:33:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i read your poem.....
    i liked it.....
    it was like you touch your emtion and hold it...i really like the fact that when you said:

    I go to bed angry, saying words I'd never mean
    He comes back regardless of the arrogance he's seen
    I realise what an undeserving idiot I've been
    And I wonder what I've done for him to be so keen

    and it that was put together from what you had been saying earlier but by themselves

    and as for what didn't take for me....just as babyblue002 had said it seemed asthough you had forced the rhymes....it would have been better if you had cleverly felt out the sounds of descriptive words and worked them together....but that's just my own opinion...and that was really the only thing wrong...not a fav...but okay to read once for me
    | Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]
      Great! Parent or lover, they see you throwing a bad temper and they just realize later that you have a hurt about something, and wish they could help. Next week it's you wishing you could help them with something. This is why I like being a human, but some times crocodile looks more simple.
    | Posted on 2008-02-21 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a sweet poem.

    U shd not go to bed angry seems it is one of the reasons why marriages fail. lol (not that you are to be married soon you're 17!!!)

    It is amazing what we can say when we are mad. And there is this one person who just can shove it all away as if nothing was said and they are willing to just go on from there.

    About the poem itself. I have a nitpick about the rhyme. It seems forced at times like "snot, seen, been, keen" the last 3 are a bit cliché.

    I like the idea of stealing a stolen kiss, supposed to be given to you while you were sleeping.

    Other than that it is a light poem that has the power of putting a smile on your reader's face.

    Peace
    Viviane

    | Posted on 2008-02-21 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      you are such a hormonal teenager, haha... just giving you crap. but honest crap...


    i don't know what to say. it made me giggle actually... like a schoolgirl, haha (sorry, i'm poking fun yet again, my bad).

    did you want some nits? sure you do.
    i'm sure you meant "lest", not "less"... as in "lest we forget", y'know? such an archaism, but one that's still used in this day and age. and the other nit was "mine asleep meet"... weird syntax for the sake of rhyme d.d, tsk tsk, haha. i'm sure you could tweak this so it 'flows' a bit more normally, as in more everyday-type speech, y'dig?

    but hey, just my poopy opinions...
    and a very relatable poem to a lot of people in your situation (i think boys call them "wet dreams")...
    ~
    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]
      Every paren knows that their child must become angry at some things. It is the art of growing the feel of emotions. the parent knows the child is not abusive to authority, it's only an expression of a child trying to know how to express dissatisfaction. The parent also knows that unkind words do make someone feel out of touch with love. The "I'm scared " stanza was very down to earth lovely.
    It emoted me to tears.
    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      That is fantastic. I normally don't enjoy love poems (because I'm bitter and angry), but this has something extra. I think it's the honesty. The wording is lovely too, by the way.

    I can offer no constructive criticism because I wouldn't change a thing.

    Beautifully done.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2008-02-18 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]
      great poem, i think all the good things have been highlighted in the previous comments. I really like the combination of the italicized lines at the end. It always gives a kind of twist to the poem. Like the realization, suddenly it all comes together.

    peace.Guermo
    | Posted on 2008-02-16 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ]
      Love is like water and we thirst for it. You feel so good inside, when you know someone love you, so

    A superbly written poem, with deep passion, power and pain. Poem possesses bold colors and bright tones. Poem sings with resonance. Poem possesses imagery, clarity and coherency. I really enjoy reading your technically writing, as well as your create writing skills. Keep sharing
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by FireFly747 | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this poem, it's not only well written, but also very original.

    I liked the fact that everyone can understand what you meant with this poem, because you described it all so well, but at the same time you didn't say it all, just enough. You know? Like you used just the right words.

    Good job.
    | Posted on 2008-02-11 00:00:00 | by Lost_Delirious | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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