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    dots Submission Name: My only regretdots

    Author: blankscreen
    ASL Info:    22/f/NY
    Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 222/196/163
    Words: 240
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 631
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1655


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy only regretdots

    You can spot us in the hallways
    The ones with the bags under our eyes,
    eyes which hold a million sorrows,
    tears overjoyed.

    The forgotten ones.

    We repell eachother,
    because it's hard enough to do the job
    In a crowded room of a million faces
    they are so close
    but you couldn't be farther.

    We burrow ourselves
    behind bookcases,
    we barrackade ourselves in forgotten dreams.
    Our realm is one of fake smiles.
    Our regrets, only one.

    That we don't let you down.

    Not being there to hold you.
    Not being with you.
    Not being
    To feel your pain
    For you.

    I'm sorry I can't smile for you,
    Sorry I can't simply do my job.
    All you need is a smile, a new parade
    to let you know..

    'You're my addiction'
    Because I can't escape your
    'I am a disease'
    If so you never infected me
    I infected you
    But now its too late for the antivirus
    I didnt create you
    You created yourself
    But I barrackaded you behind it while trying to break down
    This wall

    [between myself and reality]

    Because us, we cry in the dark
    Because we don't want you to know

    I smile
    So you will
    I cry
    So you won't have to
    I die a little everyday
    So you will never
    But you do

    My only regret.

    Submitted on 2008-02-10 09:52:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Some highly poetical stuff here, some fine lines throughout... while I do know what you are talking about there are some parts of the poem that remain a tad arcane... but on the whole I think it very finely done lover's lament.... bravo... bravo...
    | Posted on 2008-07-08 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I'm not going to go into too much detail, or else the piece might not look the same once I'm done with it. But I will give you a general review. The piece is slightly too long for the theme your proposing and the beginning kind of drags on. You've got many many typos that should have been edited once you did your read-over of the piece before posting it.

    I'd remove quite a lot at the beginning, cause there's too much irrelevant description going on. In the middle it gets kind of cliché with all the depression "I don't need to be comforted because there's nothing to comfort..." all that. Then the ending becomes interesting. I love the last stanza and like how you never tell us what your regret is because we never know who you're addressing. Ambigious. Nice.

    I suggest you go over this piece, I think it could be a lot better with some slight edition. Keep writing.

    | Posted on 2008-02-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]

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