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Black Lettered Spiders & Loose Legs

Author: icaughtfire591
ASL Info:    16/f/MI
Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 75 /74 /39
Words: 206
Class/Type: Poetry /Sorry
Total Views: 780
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1445


for my baby. (lau[ren].)

Black Lettered Spiders & Loose Legs

In writing this out
I’m writing myself up
For you,
This is
The synthesis of my sins
Into this little package of words,
[[Or box of worms?]]
Not so neat,
Actually pretty messy.
Black letters jut out
From this paper bag parcel.
The verbose spiders
Can’t seem to keep their
Limbs inside;
How it constantly feels in my mind.
One last attempt
To compose
My past mistakes.
A paradox in the making
So here we go baby.

You love me,
Well I love you more.
And here’s the evidence why;
The struggle to keep
From punishing myself
Has ripped me apart inside.
Damage done
Should equal
Compunctions retained
And then some.
You know this.
I want it for you
My body and mind are yours
And so are my perpetual regrets,
Forever of wrongs unto you.
the notion to reflect them on the outside
Is painfully clever,
For one
Who believes in reaping
Everything that’s been sown
Into the past.
And “It’s in the past,”
You always tell me;
That I’ve beaten
Myself up enough.
Well I’m sorry baby,
I still don’t quite agree.
One last attempt
To end this guilt

Submitted on 2008-02-10 17:38:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Right, sorry for taking so long to get back; (vacation). Returning to the poem based on the understanding that this is addressed to a lover, I have a few thoughts to add to my previous comment.

It seems - or it actually says - that you have made a past mistake that haunts your current relationship. Seeing as it's your girlfriend, that is probably by cheating. However, I find it more likely that the mistake was actually doubting her and therefore betraying your mutual trust.It's a far stretch for a mere reader, but it seems to me that perhaps something occurred in the past where you believed others above her before realising she was honest.

Either way, it is obvious that you do not really want to forget what happened. Rather, you enjoy reprimanding yourself for whatever mistake you made, because it makes you feel that tiny bit closer to being equal. "To end this guilt" as you put it. My advice on that would be to enjoy what you've got. Put the past behind you and relish in the present you spend together. I'm sure Lauren will appreciate it, too.

Poetically, the piece is overall fine. There is the small mission of capitalising line 17 of section 2, but I'm sure you'll do that for me.

Take care,

| Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, actually putting pain into poetry kind of allows you to indulge in it. But since it's already done I guess my advice is to read the comment, regard the piece in the literal sense, and let time heal your wounds.

I'm guessing your baby is a boyfriend, in which case the conversations would be literal. However, if you mean an actual baby then you're probably referring to abortion with this piece. The two vastly differ, so I'll refrain from commenting on either scenarios until you tell me which. The piece is straightforward, the introduction holding the imagery, the second section getting to the point. I think in line 4 of the second section, replacing "Struggles" with "The struggle" would be more decipherable, meaning of course you'd change "Have" in line 5 to "Has".

That aside, there's no use dwelling on the rear-view mirror when you could be enjoying the ride.

| Posted on 2008-02-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]

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