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    dots Submission Name: Black Lettered Spiders & Loose Legsdots

    Author: icaughtfire591
    ASL Info:    16/f/MI
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 75/74/39
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1425

       for my baby. (lau[ren].)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlack Lettered Spiders & Loose Legsdots

    In writing this out
    Iím writing myself up
    For you,
    This is
    The synthesis of my sins
    Into this little package of words,
    [[Or box of worms?]]
    Not so neat,
    Actually pretty messy.
    Black letters jut out
    From this paper bag parcel.
    The verbose spiders
    Canít seem to keep their
    Limbs inside;
    How it constantly feels in my mind.
    One last attempt
    To compose
    My past mistakes.
    A paradox in the making
    So here we go baby.

    You love me,
    Well I love you more.
    And hereís the evidence why;
    The struggle to keep
    From punishing myself
    Has ripped me apart inside.
    Damage done
    Should equal
    Compunctions retained
    And then some.
    You know this.
    I want it for you
    My body and mind are yours
    And so are my perpetual regrets,
    Forever of wrongs unto you.
    the notion to reflect them on the outside
    Is painfully clever,
    For one
    Who believes in reaping
    Everything thatís been sown
    Into the past.
    And ďItís in the past,Ē
    You always tell me;
    That Iíve beaten
    Myself up enough.
    Well Iím sorry baby,
    I still donít quite agree.
    One last attempt
    To end this guilt

    Submitted on 2008-02-10 17:38:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Right, sorry for taking so long to get back; (vacation). Returning to the poem based on the understanding that this is addressed to a lover, I have a few thoughts to add to my previous comment.

    It seems - or it actually says - that you have made a past mistake that haunts your current relationship. Seeing as it's your girlfriend, that is probably by cheating. However, I find it more likely that the mistake was actually doubting her and therefore betraying your mutual trust.It's a far stretch for a mere reader, but it seems to me that perhaps something occurred in the past where you believed others above her before realising she was honest.

    Either way, it is obvious that you do not really want to forget what happened. Rather, you enjoy reprimanding yourself for whatever mistake you made, because it makes you feel that tiny bit closer to being equal. "To end this guilt" as you put it. My advice on that would be to enjoy what you've got. Put the past behind you and relish in the present you spend together. I'm sure Lauren will appreciate it, too.

    Poetically, the piece is overall fine. There is the small mission of capitalising line 17 of section 2, but I'm sure you'll do that for me.

    Take care,

    | Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, actually putting pain into poetry kind of allows you to indulge in it. But since it's already done I guess my advice is to read the comment, regard the piece in the literal sense, and let time heal your wounds.

    I'm guessing your baby is a boyfriend, in which case the conversations would be literal. However, if you mean an actual baby then you're probably referring to abortion with this piece. The two vastly differ, so I'll refrain from commenting on either scenarios until you tell me which. The piece is straightforward, the introduction holding the imagery, the second section getting to the point. I think in line 4 of the second section, replacing "Struggles" with "The struggle" would be more decipherable, meaning of course you'd change "Have" in line 5 to "Has".

    That aside, there's no use dwelling on the rear-view mirror when you could be enjoying the ride.

    | Posted on 2008-02-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]

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