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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Green Leavesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderINK
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 114/53/25
    Words: 140
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 213
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 894



    Description:
       Based on the rhythm of Greensleeves, a traditional English song which starts "Alas, my love, you've done me wrong / to cast me off discourteously. / For I have loved thee well and long / and delighted in your company."

    Written with a hint of traditional English pronoun to keep the mood, and refers of course to the nature of the pirate wandering from land to land. It's a metaphor for relationships.


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    dotsGreen Leavesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Alas, my love, I've done thee wrong
    To cast off from thy empty land;
    And here I wander, just a man,
    Who knows naught but the open sea.

    I've left thee barren, fruitless ground;
    Thin and worn and hard to please.
    I've quarried stone and felled thy trees,
    And stolen water for my tea.

    Under heaven's watchful eye
    I vowed to stay through good and bad;
    But though, my love, it makes me sad,
    I've set to find the greener leaves.

    Thou'st given all there was to give,
    And I carry all there was to take;
    With sighs of love thy branches shake,
    A wordly love that has no key.

    Alas, my love, I've done thee wrong,
    To cast off from thy empty land;
    And here I wander, just a man,
    Swallowed by the endless sea.




    Submitted on 2008-02-11 15:39:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i like this poem but when you say he stolen water from my tea it dont make sence but it is a good poem i just dont have alot to say like the other people.
    | Posted on 2008-02-21 00:00:00 | by jjd | [ Reply to This ]
      Right, you have maintained a rhythmic flow with this piece, which is good. I too would have preferred discovering the poem's meaning myself, but having read the description I knew what to expect. *sigh* Anyways.. most of the imagery here is simple and neat, with direct connection to the theme. There are a few things I'd like to nitpick:

    "Tees" is a river in England, but looking at the verse in which you place is, I believe it is a typing mistake and you in fact meant "trees". In stanza 3, I'd suggest replacing "the greener" with "some greener" unless of course you were using "the" to demean the left lover. You end stanza 4 with "key". I feel the word is somehow misplaced. I know you were looking for the ending rhyme in each stanza, but you already break that with "leaves". The image of a key, however metaphorical, doesn't fit in with sand and stone and branches.

    That aside, the piece was amicable though typical of some people, and regardless the reader does not come to despise the character.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-11 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      If I didn't read the description, I still would have gotten this poem (I read it before I read the description and understood it, so that's a plus). I love the way you keep the modern english way of saying this.


    The words were beautiful woven together and you had a really nice rhythm to it, which I suppose you can thank the anonymous writer of greensleeves.
    | Posted on 2008-02-11 00:00:00 | by Renč Magrete | [ Reply to This ]


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