Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Separate Soul Matesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lost_Delirious
    ASL Info:    17/f/mexico
    Elite Ratio:    5.13 - 49/36/11
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 497
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 986



    Description:
       I wrote this yesterday when I finally realized I liked a friend, and that we could be perfect together. But also realized we won't be because he has a girlfriend.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeparate Soul Matesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The ink has given strength to my pain,
    And has opened the door to desperation.
    All denied resentment trapped in my veins,
    Reflect on heavy drops falling on this paper.

    Tender love wearing the friendly ribbon,
    Has revealed itself to me tonight.
    I kept repeating it couldn't be him,
    But tonight I fear he's the only one.

    His eyes find comprehension in mine,
    Then choose to ignore my hand waiting for his.
    We both play the game saying we don't care,
    But tonight I know I care enough.

    His evil chivalry deceived my mind,
    The kindness and color he poured into life.
    The wish of grayness to come back to me
    Lingers on this cracking heart.

    The scandalous imperfections I couldn't overlook,
    Have a place upon my lips but ended on hers.
    Perfect matching pieces, mine and his,
    Separate soul mates. Meant to be.




    Submitted on 2008-02-11 17:50:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A very well composed poem. I agree with the comment for changes that won’t hurt. I can well remember me causing similar incidents a couple of times. I did not regret that. Simply because the fickleness for the teenager heart is apt to want to turn the universe upside down and see what fall out. I don’t refer to `growing-up` because that could mean many different things all together – becoming wiser is far more worthy though more expensive but worth it. At the end. You magically empowered the subtle bright reds to mild greys to follow through with flowering violet and yellow at the end. Grey will never ever be yours – take heart for gold that you are is worth more than silver and more durable then steel. Regards. Joachim.
    | Posted on 2008-02-12 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a well-known scenario, but you send it across quite originally for this kind of situation. I'm glad in stanza 2 you didn't capitalise "only one" or else you might just have earned yourself an eye-roll.

    Stanza 3 is nice, but I have a slight suggestion. How about you remove the "to cry" leaving it "But tonight I know I care enough.". It wouldn't scatter your rhythm, and it would let the reader guess what 'enough' really means. It emphasises the caring in some way. Think about it.

    Then, in the end, I think you should slow the last line down. You could use a comma, you could use anticipation dots, or you could put a full stop after "mates". Not leave a space, which would ruin the format, just:
    "Seperate soul mates. Meant to be." It's up to you, but I think it would do the depth some good.

    Take care,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-11 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    157413

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    prison written by ShyOne
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Records I written by Raphael
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry