Break Me by PierceMySoul

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Break Me dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	PierceMySoul
Elite Ratio:	4.93 - 17/28/12
Words:	166

Class/Type:	Rant/Longing
Total Views:	74
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1025

Description:

Break Me dots

-------------------------------------------

When you Break Me down to nothing,
Opening my mind and dissecting my mentality ,
Can you sort out the pieces?
Will you let me remain broken and confused?
Will you put me back together?

I want you to Study Me and learn everything,
Discover the things I try to hide from you,
Can you figure out my truths?
Will what you find disrupt your idea of me?
Will you reveal my indecencies to anyone?

I need you to Help Me remember myself,
Unearth the things I've tried to forget,
Can you figure out what it is I've forgotten?
Is there anything worth remembering?
Will you even care?

Have we gone too far for you to Love Me...
What is the relevance of love for us now?
You know too much now to turn back.
Can you love anybody but yourself?
Will you let yourself love me now?

This is when I need you to Promise Me...

Just Promise Me

Submitted on 2008-02-13 03:48:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
thank you for taking up the challenge.
i must admit i saw your name in my PM box and was bracing myself for an abusive PM becaus i realise my first comment prolly seemed rather pretentious or conceited or something so i was really thankful that you werent writing me to tell me id ruined your life [its happened a few times before...]

this is heading in a good direction. i can see that you have applied yourself and put more of yourself into the piece. it seems more weighted now and to have more substance which is good.

one thing i would suggest though is to try and lose the questions. i find that questions in poetry like you have here leave no answers or room for answers and leave me more frustrated than anything...
i think if you are going to have these questions you need to give some kind of indication of an attempt at resolution

try to find a way of not using "you" all the time too... im not sure how to do that but if you were to use it less it would pack more of a punch when it is used...

keep working at it and thank you
| Posted on 2008-02-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
i want to challenge you to take the questions you have here, because to me it seems like this is headings with questions that fit the category, and answer them... work out their implications and what it is you are trying to say. apply feeling/emotion to these questions and make them into something more and then try to present them in poetic form.

try to stay away from lines/ideas that have been used heaps before.
maybe find something to weight this piece... find something to give it some substance so that the reader can find a way to identify or apply it to life or something...

i dont know but im sure you can make this more.
| Posted on 2008-02-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.