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The Age of The Silver Spoon


Author: Nessus
Elite Ratio:    2.44 - 3 /10 /6
Words: 181
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 944
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1110



Description:


Political work may be jumping the gun a bit but i dont think so

P.S. comment please i am trying to improve in this area


The Age of The Silver Spoon



Only a few years ago
Our society was heading in a very different direction
There was now thought of modesty or self reflection
In the age of the silver spoon

We sat down like babies and opened our mouths
And accepted what ever was fed to us
No one had a second thought much less put up a fuss
And all the crying in the land amounted to a croon

Every home was a kingdom
Every man, women, and child was a king, queen, prince, or princess
Most never even felt the slightest distress
In age of the silver spoon

America died deep on the inside
People sat at home submissive like little newborns
Happy to swallow anything because they were freeborn
Little did they know the end would come soon

It ended quite abruptly one summer morning
A few people woke up and took notice but they were just the first
Our arrogance had created an enemy with an unquenchable blood thirst
Now I am beginning to wonder whether Augustulus ever had a silver spoon




Submitted on 2008-02-13 19:27:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like the commentary and what you're trying to say, but the refrain was a bit much. maybe try using only in the first and last stanzas and creat an new line that pulls you into the next strophe for your fourth line.

We sat down like babies and opened our mouths
And accepted what ever was fed to us
No one had a second thought much less put up a fuss
Just surveyed the world from our thrones

Every home was a kingdom
Every man, women, and child was a king, queen, prince, or princess
Most never even felt the slightest distress
In age of the silver spoon

You may need to alternate this with the refrain since you do not end with the refrain or ditch it all together except for the first strophe and the reference at at the end.
| Posted on 2008-02-14 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  There is a lot good about this piece, but it needs work. It feels like you had a lot to say throughout the first 60% of the piece. I was getting this vibe of pre-Kennedy America, and I really liked that. Maybe that's not what you were talking about, but it just kinda felt like the post WW2 age where people still trusted the government and family was important. The last stanza though looks like you just tossed it onto the end, it makes no real sense to me in reference to the rest of the piece, and completely breaks the rhythm that was going.
| Posted on 2008-02-14 00:00:00 | by Raistlin Sith | [ Reply to This ]


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