Good morning Johan. Vertrou alles is nog wel. Lanklaas van gehoor. My gedigte kom maar stadig want belangstelling daarin is traag. Looks like nobody is even interested in a Critique effort. Want to further my style but without help it gets difficult. Kla nie vind dit net snaaks. Laat asb weet hoe dit met jou gaan. Groete Joppie.
My initial take on the meaning of your poem was a heated argument that parted two friends/lovers and left those observing disheartened. I wanted to share how I first read the poem because in reading again I realize death is the subject.
Your writing always makes me think, and I love the fact that I always want to read again and again to ponder all the possibilities.
Sorry to urge you into removing a word you liked, there. I agree with Predator, the piece flows steadily in this context. "afraid" being a trochee can be read two ways, but I think in general, it's an improvement. Glad to have interpreted the piece properly.
Yeah, that works much better as I read it aloud and in my head and focus on the meter. Some people might stumble over afraid because you can read it as either two syllables or one and it shifts from the pattern you already have where the first two words have two syllables. The down stops you dead, and as you're at the end of the poem (which is titled 'The End') it's a nice effect.
I found this beautiful when I read it with the theme 'death' in mind.This is a backwards explanation: If "The end" refers to that, then I believe the "trees" are the diseased that no longer sway, the "leaves" are the children/family members that pray with "silent whispers". The "disobeying""thunder" is death itself and the "wailing" wind is death approaching.
I liked the piece, it's short and efficient, holding just enough meaning. I do have one nitpick: the word "fret". I'm quite sure you didn't mean the musical fret, so you probably meant fret as in worry. But how does that fit in with the phrase? I'd advise you to use another word since even the flow in the last line slightly differs from the rest.
Goeie dag. You got me with this one. I will tend to see the end as end times arrived or moving into.
`Fallen from trees that fret swaying` I see
`Fallen from trees fretful swaying`more or less in rhythm. Hou daarvan. Laat my dink. Groete Jm.
Yep, Predator's right. The trochaic tetrameter is off in the last line, which makes it sound very awkward. However, I like the couplet set-up, so I think you should keep the rhyme and just match the length/meter with the previous three lines.
I like the imagery in this, good work.
I found the final rhyme to be too much. Personally I would have liked a slightly longer line, trailing off, but each to their own vision...
It may be because the last line as it stands now didn't feel quite 'right' to me. The rhythm has completely shifted yet, because of the rhyme, we try and fit it to the rhythm we're in.
While I hear the last line like this
Fallen from trees that fret swaying.
DUM-de de-DUM de-DUM DUM-de
or something like that.
Human minds are simple rhythmic things. When you change the meter so abruptly it doesn't feel right, but instead of creating unease is just makes you feel like the poem itself is somehow 'wrong' because you aren't fully immersed in the content.
That's why I would say it would be a better final line if it were completely different. Different rhyme, length, whatever. I think it could work alot better.
Submission Name: The end.
