I release you fear from my,
Tear swollen eyes my,
Trembling, shaking legs my,
Weak, rickety voice.
I release you.
To radiate away from my body,
Through my finger tips.
Leave me fear.
I also leave you fear behind.
To dwell in a dark hole.
So I may walk head high
Through our town’s streets.
I bid farewell to you fear.
I take my tears from you fear.
My legs are mine and never yours fear.
Lastly, I take my voice from you.
So I may read this with out,
| i think you should capitalise Fear.|
it seems to me you have somewhat personified it and so capitalisation is fitting other wise, in a coupla parts, it seems like you havent a proper grasp on the english language which isnt the look you are going for i am sure
i have to say i love the first stanza.
at first glance i like "ummm... rhyming my with itself 3 consecutive lines is pushing it" but then i read it and found the groove and i think its awesome... almost lyrical actually though i feel like the punctuation is a little confused. im gonna attempt to show you how i think it should be but punctuation never was a strength of mine so yeah...
I release you, Fear, from my
Tear-swollen eyes, my
Trembling, shaking legs, my
Weak, rickety voice
though seeing it like that it seems to place the emphasis in a more 'normal' kinda of way which slightly ruins the 'off beat' effect the "my" at the end of each lines holds... hmmm... im not sure...
one problem i have though is that, while the first stanza is stunning it doesnt continue with the rest of the piece. the same beat/groove/vibe isnt present throughout the rest of the piece which kinda alienates the first stanza for me... im not sure what you want to do about that [if anything]
i would kinda like to see longer sentences. i think some of your periods throughout the rest of the piece arent really necessary.
the first stanza only has one period through the whole thing and yet every other stanza almost had one period per line which doesnt seem so consistant again.
im not sure whether finishing every line in the last stanza with 'fear' works as well as 'my' does in the first stanza because there isnt the same off beat feel to the last stanza and as a result the repetition gets a little grating and monotonous and doesnt really achieve much in the way of a powerful 'good bye fear' ending...
my advice would be to either get the off beat feeling into the last stanza too or remove a few of the fears...
i think you could make some revisions to this piece to make it more cohesive... i really like the first stanza!
|| Posted on 2008-02-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] |