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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Daydreaming againdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SweetAndOhSoME
    ASL Info:    17/f/Here
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 252/96/64
    Words: 276
    Class/Type: Story/Longing
    Total Views: 307
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1558



    Description:
       Just a daydream from a story of mine.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDaydreaming againdots
    -------------------------------------------


    And again her mind fell away from the barriers of the conversation. When she looked around, white rose petals drifted down from the hand of a small girl behind her. On her own hands, two silk white gloves carried a bouquet of sweet smelling scarlet ibises. And covering her graceful form, a baby blue dress hugged her hips, cascading down beyond her feet like a soft waterfall. Her normal brown hair was done down in twisting curls and soft white ribbons swung through each new curl. On her neck lay a simple pearl necklace, catching the light of the overhead chandelier. A smile played at her lips and tears of happiness trickled down her rosy cheeks. She looked around her, and the risers were filled with her family and friends, each one smiling, the more emotional ones had tears of joy running down their own faces. She sighed gracefully, the sparkle adorned white veil blowing up away from the movement of air. And the man at her side, smile down at her. His smile just spread and spread, proud to finally have Saphira Lei his own.
    “And do you, Matt Fuasto, take Saphira Lei as your lawfully wedded wife, to love forever?”
    “I do,” he said, smiling joyfully. She slipped a plain gold band onto his finger, smiling up into his dancing blue eyes.
    “And do you, Saphira Lei, take Matt Fuasto to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
    “And I…” she started, looking out at her family and friends. In the front row sat her old highschool friend, James Goodwin. The tears on his own face didn’t seem so full of joy,”can’t.”




    Submitted on 2008-02-14 19:00:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's very vivid.... The way you describe how the person looks...

    Its really good. Nice, but just ending like that is kind of confusing, but meh, i'm always confused....
    | Posted on 2009-01-28 00:00:00 | by fattestpirate | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with what the others said it did have that twist at the end not what i was expecting but i think there should be more than just saying and old school friend crying making her say she can't...use a diffrent way to say it to explain a little more..because if it were like that..then it would have waited until the wedding day...but i don't know what has happened between them or anything...i'm sorry...i want to know more...lol...but this was very interesting to read and i appreciate you sharing with us
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, the ending really gives the piece meaning. I was kind of reading through the detailed cliché of perfect happiness and lost hope that the theme would change. You certainly give a blow to all those fantasies. Good for you.

    Since you ask for writing advice, I'll give what little I came up with. In line 15, it should be "smiled down at her". And I think you should put in "more" after "forever" in line 18. Apart from that I have no other advice, and that's not because I cannot nitpick, but because you have special descriptive talent, and a brain that sees things for more than what they seem.

    Keep writing, you have grand potential.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting. There are lots of clichés here and I can't decide if you've used them with the knowledge that they are clichés (with all of the connotations) or that you just used them and it happened to turn out this way. It's hard to judge with such an excerpt from a wider piece.

    I'll explain.

    Throughout I was thinking about the clichés and muttering to myself about them but thinking how this was a daydream and as such it would be somehow perfectly in line with everything that this character has seen and experienced before. The 'ideal' often it a cliché.

    It also serves to set us up for this perfect wedding before you demolish it with that one word

    can't

    For this I found it a very interesting piece and I'm not entirely sure if I want to know your intentions! Thanks for the read
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]


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