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    dots Submission Name: A swampy valentinedots

    Author: Duke Medhat
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    5.08 - 58/38/24
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 839
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 526

       Short poem for the valentine . . .

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA swampy valentinedots

    A swampy valentine, I am living
    Banished here, with no hope for forgiven
    Banished here, with no trial
    Far far away from your smile

    Red roses are here and there
    But, why should I care?
    As my heart is lonely in a swamp
    All alone, and I am feeling dump

    As I'm sitting all alone at home
    My heart in a swamp, drown in rotting foam
    Asking me "why" and "how"
    Answering "I have no answer right now"

    Submitted on 2008-02-15 09:00:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Line 2 should be "no hope of forgiving" or "for forgiveness"
    You might want to change the word "dump" for glum or something similar. Dump is a noun or verb.
    Add an ing to drown so you have drowning.

    Otherwise this is a very interesting poem. I sometimes think that people who do not use english as a first language put together more unique images and metaphor. You go beyond what we are used to hearing. This can be a very positive thing because it gives you a natural creative edge.

    I hope that you have a life preserver now that the holiday is over. Swamps can be particularly hard to get out of.
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]

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