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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Whore.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Razor2TheRosary
    ASL Info:    24 - f - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 238/127/51
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1545
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 836



    Description:
       Just a random thought.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhore.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have stolen things that I didn't need,
    and I've scraped perfect skin to watch it bleed.
    You call me unhealthy, yet love the gore,
    crawling toward each dirty, disfigured whore.

    They say we're homicidal, pilled-up wrecks,
    living for amnesia's negative sex.
    Cruel intentions rip the stars from your face,
    wrapping your soul in a leather embrace...

    But I have to admit I want you... dead,
    corroding in that disease-ridden bed,
    dissolving in synthetic paradise
    while struggling to enthrall and entice

    the sluts who would fuck your corpse if you died,
    licking the path that you walked without pride.
    I know better now, and you're worth much less
    than I paid for you when I was obsessed.




    Submitted on 2008-02-15 21:27:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hahahahaha I feel like Ive just been forced to watch some really awfull porn,but the flow was nice,i liked the words,a load of filth strung together is always impressive,gimmicky definately but you were probably going for that,if not then i might get worried.

    very nice in a glutten for punnishment kind of way...

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2008-09-22 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Love it. These are the kind of poems that need truth and a lot of skill to write. Otherwise they come off the opposite - fake, showy, and juvenile.

    "They say we're homicidal, pilled-up wrecks,
    living for handcuffs, chains, and freakshow sex."

    I love the sarcastic mocking tone of those lines; and the flow...flawless.


    -miss m
    | Posted on 2008-04-24 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, that was ummm............... ok, no,that was crazy and wonderful at the same time. You do have a way of writing exactly for our generation, it was wonderful.

    First the title will draw in a lot of people. Any title that has some dirtiness in it will draw us in. They can deny it, but 79 people viewed this so far, so that talks for itself.

    The first two lines just hooks everyone in and holds on.

    "I have stolen things that I didn't need,
    and I've scraped perfect skin to watch it bleed."

    From there, it keeps going and everyone is stuck on every word, you just can't stop reading. My favorite lines were

    "They say we're homicidal, pilled-up wrecks,
    living for handcuffs, chains, and freakshow sex.
    Cruel intentions rip the stars from your face,
    wrapping your soul in a leather embrace..."

    It's so crazy/sexual/who knows what else, it just stands out so much in the poem.

    Nice Write
    ~*~katara~*~

    | Posted on 2008-04-22 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      i can honestly say that this is a danm good poem...i loved it....i felt the intensity in it....geeeeeez!!!!! i definately want more...gooooooood job.
    ~kayla~
    | Posted on 2008-04-14 00:00:00 | by lonely goth | [ Reply to This ]
      And this is all just random hmmm sure lol. Strong worded and just beaming with anger and a little humour ( i am sick aren't I). You're devilishly good.

    The crazy one,
    Jay.
    | Posted on 2008-03-17 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      "I know better now, and you're worth much less than I paid for you when I was obsessed." -What a great ending. What a great line! The whole piece, really... It's killer line after killer line.

    It all kind of reminds me of my frame of thought. I've been looking through your stuff and I have got to say; I've been on this site for over four years and I have never came across someone I thought had your amount of talent in their writings...

    I like the "I want you... dead" -The pause gives it that stab to the gut.

    *peace, love and rabid monkeys*

    -Ceyx
    | Posted on 2008-03-07 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]
      amazing.


    | Posted on 2008-02-27 00:00:00 | by shawnaSUNSHINE | [ Reply to This ]
      Provocative title to begin with. I'm sure it attracts more views than the more conservatively titled poetry surrounding it on the list of new posts...

    My first thought was just a small one but that maybe this shouldn't be so structured into four line stanzas, mainly because you could heighten the impact of

    But I have to admit I want you... dead

    simply by changing it to

    But I have to admit I want you
    Dead


    Like I say, it is only a small point and it depends on whether you want to stick to the structure you've set out.

    The first line was a good one and sparked a few interesting ideas in my own mind. It's obviously quite a venting piece though and they are always hardest to comment on - how can you really get stuck into analysing something that is actually very raw and sensitive?

    Thanks for the read
    | Posted on 2008-02-16 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This piece is powerful. I'm not sure what the other commentators have said, but I believe you've figured the rhyme and rhythm pretty well compared to the pieces that are posted nowadays.

    You've got a strong opening line that anyone can relate to in some way or another. There seems to be a syllable extra in the last line of the first quatraine, maybe replace "dirty" with something like "cheap" if you want. The rest of the piece flows like silk. The strength of your words would intimidate the best of men. The emotion sent over to the reader is eccentric. And the modest description "Just a random thought" emphasises your talent.

    Fantastic poem, bravo to you.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-16 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      a profound piece,and it was the emotion of it,and in it which made it possible for me to share w/ you that moment,that state of mind, while i read it,which is the concrete foundation that makes this piece possible to be so great,i read it and felt it,and not at all exagerating-pictured it in my head the whole time,which is the recipe of many great books,and so on.maybe its all this for me cause i relate to it,which i say w/out taking away anything from it,well written!...crazy....
    | Posted on 2008-02-16 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel like you have a lot of good ideas, but not enough good language. As other people have commented, you speak to a certain subgroup of a generation. However, your grammar and diction leaves something to be desired. You clearly didn't even spellcheck this poem. You border on, but do not achieve an original way to express your unique ideas. That said, you do border on originality, but if you are conscious of it, it might help you a lot.
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by themoviesong | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i think you just wrote a great song! it feels really good and flowed like an open vein! perfect images reflected in the choice words reflecting some very fine revenge.

    "I have stolen things that I didn't need,
    and I've scraped perfect skin to watch it bleed"

    this is so good i wanna go cut myself just for the hell of it! once again a marvelous picture painted by you that made me think of a lot of things from my past with certain persons i wish i could forget...and they are whores, all of them!
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      Dont let Dave fool you ~ he is quite cheap...not that I would know or anything ;)

    Excellent write. The title sort of just grabs one in - dirty mind and all - and in your usual flare and brilliant way you rip any sweet or decadant thought right out of the throat and propel one into the depths of hard core reality and crappy relationships.

    "corroding in that disease-ridden bed,
    dissolving in synthetic paradise
    while struggling to enthrall and entice"
    AWESOME LINES!!

    Just so you know...we all get obsessed with whores now and then ;)

    Well done
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ummm...I aint cheap bee-atch! People would fight for my corpse!!! They'd kill each other to keep it! Yeah, I'm loved like that. What can ya do?

    HA HA!

    OK...your write speaks for a generation. Flash forward twenty years and I am being interviewed by Barbara Walters (yeah, she'd still be alive then) and she says to me in her sober but drunk sounding voice...

    "Dabid...Dabid...ewe wewr awound in da hey day of elweet skwills in de ewrly 2000's and deh peepl want to know...who was de whiter dat spoke de most to dat generwashun?"

    And I shake my head and think to myself, "If I wasnt drunk right now I wouldnt know WTF she just said."

    Then I'd say, "Nikkki. She was the voice of that era. Nikkki was the voice of the generation and she carried that banner like a king."

    And Barbara Walters would go, " Hmmmm." and then take a commercial break because she wouldnt know how to respond to that.

    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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