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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Non-Pluseddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: realpoet
    Elite Ratio:    6.51 - 904/475/311
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Childrens
    Total Views: 576
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 795



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNon-Pluseddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A knight went out to fly a kite.
    The wind and kite had a fight
    Until the wind died on edge of night;
    Then the knight lit a light
    That burned the line the kite held tight.
    Poor,poor, kite went out of sight.
    Poor, poor, knight was in a plight,
    He had not time to wait for morning's light
    To find his now poor lost kite
    As he thought,"I did not do something right."

    Then a little boy came up to him
    And said,"Mr. Knight, my name is Jim,
    I saw your light from that far off gym.
    I came to tell you of my whim,
    "Your mind must have been out on a limb."
    The knight gruffly said,"Get lost little gem
    Before I act not very prim !"




    Submitted on 2008-02-15 22:16:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, this piece definitely left me how the title suggested it would. You say it's for children, and the rhyming shows that, but upon reading it, I'm not sure the first stanza is really of a your average child's vocabulary level. I also think that in some parts the rhythm was very off, which is a usual error when it comes down to rhyme, but in this case probably not that difficult to alter. I'll leave that to you however, because I don't want to change too much of the piece.

    Regardless, the ending is humourous and enjoyable although perhaps for an older catagory of readers.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-16 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Impressive Rhyme... I like the subject, definately got a laugh out of me.

    the only criticism is in the second stanza... the second and third line are both "jim", what about working the fourth line in above it? to seperate the two?

    but yeah. this left me with a great image of a dejected knight...

    peace.Guermo
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ]
      HA HA!!!

    HA HA!!!

    HA HA!!!

    ok

    I cant stop laughing at the sorrow and comedy of this one.

    Stinkin kids

    Stinkin wind

    Stinkin stupid knights that dont know any better.

    I wish I had a dime for every time a kid walked up and said, "Excuse me mister..."

    I'd have at least twenty cents by now.

    And if I added a dime for every time I saw a knight flying a kite...well, I'd have forty cents.

    And we all know that forty cents is enough to by half a second of the sunlight that flicks off the coin as it revolves under the sun...so it would be worth it.

    Great rhyming in this one. I enjoyed reading it.
    | Posted on 2008-02-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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