The crusted remnants of a dismembered Snufflagonian were found in a dumpster behind a McDonald’s restaurant in Nebraska last Tuesday. Barton McWhirter, Imperial Ambassador and Supreme Despot of the Known Universe Local 212, expressed dismay, shock and extreme outrage at the “senseless violence” and vowed that “blud shall floe in the streets like the unsavory grunts of fecund harlots!”
The Ambassador immediately instituted the mass slaughter of all humans known to exist. Unfortunately, no living homo sapiens were found to comment on the ambassador’s actions.
On a lighter note, baby harp seals wielding clubs and tire irons were seen beating the hell out of Canadian furriers intent on harvesting the little mammals for their soft white coats.
“Human intestines make lovely patterns in the snow,” one of the exhausted seals was heard to comment.
And a final story, The Food and Drug Administration reports that, although “people will do some crazy shit for drugs-and I'm talkin’ ‘bout things u wouldn’t ever think sum people would do,” drugs are not “addictable.”
Film at eleven.
Checks in the mail.