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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dogmadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cirruculum
    ASL Info:    17/Male/SW Kansas
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 36/35/17
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Misc/Religious
    Total Views: 66
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 722



    Description:
       Something I came up with...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDogmadots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have a god,
    an obsession, a way of life.
    His constant and ruthless energy
    merely reminds me of the past,
    as the moment evaporates like a morning dew,
    thrusting me into the unforgiving sunlight.

    My god has control, I don't;
    I pretend and feign,
    but this pompous charade
    is destroyed by the sight of my bible
    which burdens me with guilt
    and an unfading regret for the unalterable.

    An escape is absolutely impossible,
    at least while my heart still beats,
    mirroring the patterned hand,
    with which my god reigns.
    But this too shall pass,
    for I, unlike my god, won't last forever.




    Submitted on 2008-02-17 20:25:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't know why but I kind of like this piece from a psychological perspective, a sort of destruction of the ego in martyrdom because of the God that is. I'll implement my suggestions directly into your piece as to incur less confusion, noting them within brackets:


    I [too] have a god;
    an obsession [and] a way of life.
    His constant and ruthless energy
    merely reminds me of the(perhaps add detail) past
    as moment[s] evaporate like [the] morning dew,
    thrusting me into the unforgiving sunlight. (unforgivable?)

    My [G]od has control - I don't;
    I pretend and feign
    but this pompous charade [of mine?]
    is destroyed by the sight of [his] bible,
    which burdens me with guilt
    and an unfading regret for
    the unalterable.

    [E]scape is absolutely impossible,
    at least while my heart still beats,
    mirroring the pattern [of the] hand
    with which my [G]od reigns.
    [T]his too shall pass for I,
    unlike my [G]od, won't last forever.

    I also subtracted and added punctuation without necessarily adding brackets. I also wanted to explain one detail: you should leave the first God without a capital G because in that case he's merely "A god," and not yours. Also, when you say past, what past are you talking about? A good one, a bad one, you childhood? What past exactly are we talking about here?

    Otherwise this is a very good rendition of the qualmed child's perception of religious affairs, or so I find. The kind of thing a second grader might say when he becomes envious of his friend's presentation on his baptism, or something of that sort. I also find it quite ingenious that the only telling detail is the title; this means you're playing with others, purposely leaving plenty of room for interpretation to mislead them. Whether or not that was your intention, that was my impression.

    So yeah. Have fun spoof or not spoofing the piece..

    Outlaw
    | Posted on 2008-08-23 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      I found this piece disturbing, as it seems you are not speaking of the God I know, nor my way of life. The unfamiliar is frightening and you speak of a religion I am a stranger to. What you speak of seems to be some kind of cult. But when you relay your "guilt" and "unfading regret" you fear not the punishment of others, but the punshment of your own deeds.

    In this time and age I find that difficult to understand. The thing is... that an "escape" IS possible. You cannot wish to live your entire life in fear, in self-reproach.

    But I just realised. Something about this poem isn't honest. You capitalise your "I"s but you do not capitalise the name of your all-controlling "god". It's obvious that it is not really God you fear. So tell me, Joshua, what is it? What are you hinting at in this piece that you're not saying? Is it irony? Or is it something you really fear?

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-18 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]



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