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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mariposa, (Butterfly)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Renč Magrete
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 59/15/3
    Words: 322
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1184
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2222



    Description:
       DISCLAIMER: In order to get the full effect of this poem, read it in it's entirety before reading this description.







    I wrote a poem called "Mariposa" (Butter fly in Spanish), and though it would be interesting to close my eyes, and run a line down the middle of the paper, and make two more poems out of it. That's what the divisions in Mariposa are. Mariposa (remix) is how I would have structured it had I not been doing this experiment. I hope you enjoyed it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMariposa, (Butterfly)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I. Mari

    Fly.
    Darling of magnificent
    Symmetry.

    Tip of my nose. When?

    With your perch, float
    To eternal beauty.

    Entertain! Kill this notion
    That you disposed of.

    Strut your, of, your skill.

    Feel for carcas.

    I shall lay,
    until shell,
    And fly.


    II. Posa

    Baby fly spread your wings and float onto the---
    you grow bored.

    On and on...

    Show me the way my
    fingertips
    can
    immediately
    be
    iron wings!

    Whisper your mother.

    In this, you break free
    of your darling baby fly.


    III. Mariposa

    Fly, darling | baby fly. Spread your wings
    of magnificent symmetry | and float onto the
    tip of my nose. When | you grow bored
    with your perch, float | on (and on). Show me the way
    to eternal beauty, entertain | my finger tips.
    Kill this notion that you | can immediately be
    disposed of. Strut your | iron wings. Whisper
    of your skill. Feel for | your mother. In this
    carcas I shall lay, until | you break free of your
    shell. And fly, | darling baby, fly.


    IV. Mariposa (Remix)


    Fly, darling baby fly.
    Spread your wings
    of magnificent symmetry
    and float onto the
    tip of my nose.

    When you grow bored
    with your perch,
    float on (and on).
    Show me the way
    to eternal beauty,
    entertain my finger tips.

    Kill this notion
    that you can immediately
    be
    disposed of.
    Strut your iron wings.
    Whisper
    of your skill.
    Feel for your mother.

    In this
    carcas
    I shall lay, until you
    break free of yourshell.
    And fly,
    darling baby,
    fly.




    Submitted on 2008-02-18 10:44:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      like the images that you portray here, but my favourite is definately the remix. It flows well and floats like the butterfly

    jamar2
    | Posted on 2008-10-08 00:00:00 | by jamar2 | [ Reply to This ]
      just got around to this one. it's a very beautiful "exquisite corpse".
    | Posted on 2008-05-16 00:00:00 | by blackbird | [ Reply to This ]
      Starting to get your idea about verse. Need to read more.

    This is a sort of discovery verseform. Before reading the explanation, I thought I could follow a process that finally produced the "remix". But I didn't follow the text clearly - the meanings - except that the sustained trope is clearly the butterfly! Couldn't get any deeper. The butterfly is finely done, though!

    I don't do this kind of play myself, so it is unfamiliar! But I fool with verseforms a lot just by discovering a good free-verse form, or taking a traditional form, and then varying it a bit, hopefully in ways that suit the topic of the particular poem. I guess the flight of the butterfly, or the flight of two to mate, is like the random fission then the hit-and-miss recombination in this poem's make?

    I guess it's a stage of finding techniques, before trying to really write about something? But maybe there's something here that I really don't understand. Can you comment on my comment? Please?
    | Posted on 2008-03-31 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the experiment isn't as neat as the way you'd have written it yourself.

    It seems to wooden (the experiment bit) and fractured. I don't know why, it's not flawed writing, and it certainly isn't bad...in fact it's rather good.

    It just seems too...almost too published.

    Perhaps I'm being unfair - lately I've been on this huge unpublished / underground poetry thing. I mean, I shouldn't be taking issue with the fact that it looks polished enough to be published...but yet, here I am, doing just that.

    God I sound like one of those pretentious indie music fans.

    I'm just going to stop now before I say something really stupid.
    | Posted on 2008-02-27 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      Ick... I hate when people are... Too... ick. That first comment was a load of bs. Anyway, I dunno what else to say about that.

    I love what you did with this. It's really interesting. And it does make sense. You have to think a little loopily (like a butterfly, perchance), but it makes sense. I love the first two lines of II. Heehee it's very flitty, scatterbrained. Cute.

    The form fits the theme. It's beautiful. But... Is Mariposa supposed to illustrate where you drew the line?... I don't really like that there. It's kind of jarring, a little distracting. It's nice to see where it came from, but I think it's just as well left out...

    Anyway, it's lovely. Doing something like this leaves little room for control. Your words are all together, it's basically line breaks and punctuation. For the most part, it's entirely coherent, and very very nice to read. The vew places where a line doesn't make sense just enhances the interest, for me at least.

    Thank you for sharing :)

    Rachel
    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]
      Your Mariposa is frustrated and keeps repeating itself.

    Carcas shd be carcass BTW.
    Fingertips is one word.
    your shell is 2 separate words.

    My advice get out of your carcass, leave the form alone work on the piece.
    The Mariposa remix has potential, the cut makes no sense.
    Maybe I am conventional, but I like when things make sense.
    The "cut" pieces make no sense.
    The remix on the other hand makes a neat description of the butterfly, yet nothing overwhelming or breathtaking. It is like u r scared to feel or to explore ur feelings and put them in black on white.

    It is like you r describing what you r seeing but not what is affecting u. The poem lacks the drive and the energy of raw feelings.

    It seems u r describing a nymph leaving its cocoon to become a butterfly, yet we do not feel the struggle or the beauty of the process.

    I have seen it on TV and it is a very moving thing, the way it wriggles itself out, then waits for its wings to unfold in all their beauty.
    Make us feel the grandeur of a new life, mesmerize us.
    Mix your feelings with the butterfly. Mariposa is a very attractive title, make the poem rise up to the beautiful butterfly.

    Viviane
    | Posted on 2008-02-18 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]


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