It’s like I’m awaiting twilight
Only to find there are no stars to wish upon.
It’s like I’m dueling for the ones I love,
And I cannot reach my gun.
It’s like someone has just plucked my wings
When all I wanted was to rise above,
It’s like being the only one of two
Who knows how it feels to be in love.
Vena cava drink it up,
Atria pour it out.
Ventricle refill my cup,
Aorta drink it down.
Pollution scars the crimson tide
That courses through my veins…
I expected pleasure—
Not this agonizing pain.
But I already chose to join this battle,
Not knowing it can’t be won.
I might as well peel off the caution label
Probably one of the top ten stanzas i've read on this site.
"Pollution scars the crimson tide
That courses through my veins…
I expected pleasure—
Not this agonizing pain.
But I already chose to join this battle,
Not knowing it can’t be won.
I might as well peel off the caution label
The damage has been done"
YOu make good use of the little pices you right, flow is unsure at the beginning but it all comes together during the middle of the first stanza, or maybe i was reading it wrong.
You are very distracting.
This was a very expressive and imaginative write. My only suggestion is to remove the phrase "It's like...", which detracts from the imagery of your words.
See how much more powerful your words are without them:
"I’m awaiting twilight
Only to find there are no stars to wish upon.
I’m dueling for the ones I love,
And I cannot reach my gun.
Someone has just plucked my wings
When all I wanted was to rise above,
Now I am the only one
Who knows how it feels to be in love."
Instead of being like ....it really is... which is what you said anyway.
This was written very well. I loved it. Especially the second stanza and the last two lines. It flowed well and had great imagery. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.
Submission Name: Empty Bottle
