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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Empty Bottledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LadyInRed88
    ASL Info:    19/f/MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 131/180/32
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 934
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 810



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEmpty Bottledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Itís like Iím awaiting twilight
    Only to find there are no stars to wish upon.
    Itís like Iím dueling for the ones I love,
    And I cannot reach my gun.
    Itís like someone has just plucked my wings
    When all I wanted was to rise above,
    Itís like being the only one of two
    Who knows how it feels to be in love.

    Vena cava drink it up,
    Atria pour it out.
    Ventricle refill my cup,
    Aorta drink it down.

    Pollution scars the crimson tide
    That courses through my veinsÖ
    I expected pleasureó
    Not this agonizing pain.
    But I already chose to join this battle,
    Not knowing it canít be won.
    I might as well peel off the caution label

    The damage has been done.




    Submitted on 2008-02-18 19:12:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Probably one of the top ten stanzas i've read on this site.

    "Pollution scars the crimson tide
    That courses through my veinsÖ
    I expected pleasureó
    Not this agonizing pain.
    But I already chose to join this battle,
    Not knowing it canít be won.
    I might as well peel off the caution label

    The damage has been done"

    YOu make good use of the little pices you right, flow is unsure at the beginning but it all comes together during the middle of the first stanza, or maybe i was reading it wrong.
    You are very distracting.
    | Posted on 2008-02-20 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a very expressive and imaginative write. My only suggestion is to remove the phrase "It's like...", which detracts from the imagery of your words.

    See how much more powerful your words are without them:

    "Iím awaiting twilight
    Only to find there are no stars to wish upon.
    Iím dueling for the ones I love,
    And I cannot reach my gun.
    Someone has just plucked my wings
    When all I wanted was to rise above,
    Now I am the only one
    Who knows how it feels to be in love."

    Instead of being like ....it really is... which is what you said anyway.

    I hope this is helpful.

    The Gadfly


    | Posted on 2008-02-20 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I loved this one. It tells a sad story of unrequited love, and unfortunately I understand what you mean.

    Vena cava drink it up,
    Atria pour it out.
    Ventricle refill my cup,
    Aorta drink it down.

    I really liked how you threw this in there, it actually flowed well with the piece. All in all, great read/write.

    Duv
    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written very well. I loved it. Especially the second stanza and the last two lines. It flowed well and had great imagery. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.

    ĽMIss MIseryę
    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    157771

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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