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    dots Submission Name: Ego Tastes like Burnt Toastdots

    Author: Mandolin
    ASL Info:    10/15/89
    Elite Ratio:    5.4 - 131/145/85
    Words: 265
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 1264
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1612

       Bad mood ramblings bring the sunshine outta me.

    The more you say in your comment, the more I can learn - thank you graciously.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEgo Tastes like Burnt Toastdots

    I am glass melting on sunburned skin;
    irrational in my pain, I seek to cool and harden
    for such sticky raw softness leaves me vulnerable to madness.
    I count my lucky stars as they fall,
    leaving behind a blank boring hallow darkness
    that sits behind my pupils, pulling out yarn
    that leaves too tight to untie knots in my stomach;
    knitting together things I want the least.
    I am sucked up through a straw and swallowed down something yellow,
    and itís gross. Not even an empty box of chocolates,
    I am the cheap stuff; eighteen year old melted goo, white with age.
    Something kept to be savored but in the end thrown out, flat,
    Gone bad. I am your favorite CD that skips at the best bits.
    I wish I could deny how bad this feels, a hurt despite dead skin,
    but damn, Iím a joke with a too quickly delivered punch line
    and Iím a laugh that went stale in someoneís sweaty palm,
    squeezed until the eyeballs pop out.
    I am a pale paste wanting to be told Iím magic,
    A crouton dreaming it could be someoneís bread.
    Disappointed in how Iíve disappointed, yet Iíve got an ego still,
    Telling me that itís my fault for anotherís wrongs.
    But can I be blamed, Iím only a pbj sandwich dropped peanut-side down.
    I get stuck on the roof of the mouth along with the cat hair.
    I am crayons melted in a baby's carseat, wishing they were valued like Picasso.
    Donít forget to wear the suntan lotion and goggles
    because here comes somebody else's problem.

    Submitted on 2008-02-20 12:53:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      WOw, this is definitely one of my favorite pieces I've read by you.

    One question...
    Valued BY Picasso, or LIKE Picasso?
    I think "by" fits better,
    but it's just a matter of opinion.


    A good write.
    | Posted on 2008-04-09 00:00:00 | by Puzzle_d_Box | [ Reply to This ]
      I could have sworn I commented on this. Buuut... apparently not.

    This is very sad. Angry... Not so much a satire as it is poking at yourself to try and make things right, better, not so... terrible. Like if you see yourself in the mirror honestly, then you can 'fix' it. If you understand the plot intensely, then you can dissect it. Sort of...

    Personally, I think this would be better-suited with shorter/more powerful line breaks. As it is, it's kind of... mushy and blah (as far as the reading of it goes). Some of your lines are very POW!, but it's lost within the muddle.

    Haha this kind of reminds me of 'Ironic' by Alanis Morissette... We had a whole lecture devoted to it in 10th grade or something, dissecting how wrong she was in her definition of the word 'ironic.' Some teachers need new lives

    Iím a laugh that went stale in someoneís sweaty palm

    I love that line.

    ....... Another matter of personal opinion, but maybe you could do with fewer 'I am's and focus more on the what of it all... Not necessarily list them, but maybe draw it out a bit. Throw in the one-liners for impact.... This has the potential to be very zingy, but it's not quite pulling it off yet.

    This reminds me of lots of things, all irrelevant, all meaningless.

    I like that you make me remember things.
    | Posted on 2008-02-27 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]

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