Things seem so much clearer to me during the night than at any other time. In daylight, I am lost. The sun befuddles my mind and lends everything an air of confusion and desperation. The moonlight, however, is my ally. It hides what I want to hide, and illuminates what I want seen. It frees me to be myself
I have this routine that I have adapted over these past few months. If my mind is working too quickly, if there is anything bothering me, if I need to escape, or if there is just a desperate restlessness running through me, I go outside. I bundle up in however much clothing is appropriate, fill my pockets with the neccessities (chapstick, mp3 player, sometimes a cigarette or two), slip on my headphones, and almost silently disappear outside. It's not as if I'm sneaking out, I don't have the need to do that. However, if someone heard me, they would question what I was doing, and the appeal of the whole thing would be lost. This is my time, my business. I don't want to share it with anyone.
I slip around to the side of the house (out of sight of the aunt and uncle), and light a cigarette. My headphones are always caressing my ears with the perfect song. This is a time for reflection, as I slowly take a drag from my cigarette and focus my attention on only the night sky and my breathing. It almost seems like a communion with the night. I feel like a part of the air, there being a distinct possibility that I might just eventually drift away with it. The sky is never as clear as it is on the colder nights. There are no words to describe that clarity...it is surely perfection. I watch the sky for a while, and then I close my eyes, clearing my mind of everything. All I know in these moments is the music in my ears, the sensation of air moving in and out of my lungs, my heart continuously pumping blood through my veins, the gentle sway of my hips to the music, and the feel of the chilly air on any exposed skin. These moments are pure bliss.
On warmer nights, I like to walk. Especially in the rain. There's something about prowling the streets during the witching hour that leaves you feeling free and somewhat primal. The only things out at this time are the creatures that belong to the night. We have a silent understanding of one another. Except the dogs...I've come to despise them. They're so territorial. I walk up and down the street, the same routine every night. They know I'm coming, and they know I mean no harm. Nevertheless, a symphony of barks and howls tends to follow me up and down the road. It annoys me to no end.
So far, I haven't been interrupted in my wanderings. I'm still waiting for the day when a car or truck pulls up beside me and questions why I am out so late. For now, though, they mind their own business. This is mine, and mine alone. I belong out here, a silent observer of the night. My only companions are the ever-present sky, and my mp3 player, consistently stroking my eardrums with the equivolent of musical orgasms. This is my moment, these are my experiences. This is what I live for. The rest is just killing time until I can be alone with the night again.
Last night, I made a friend. I was sitting on the church steps, having a cigarette, when a cat began to wander across the street in my direction. I called to it, and it paused, surveying me warily, assessing the potential threat. After a while, it wandered closer, probably convinced by my quiet calls that I would do it no harm. It lazily threw itself down in front of me, wiggling just out of my reach, teasing, the way a cat loves to do. I held out my hands to it, and it eventually came near enough for me to pet. I spent the next half hour petting and playing with it. Finally, I decided that I needed to be on my way, and I bid my playmate goodbye. She followed me a little ways, then turned back and went about her own business. I felt understood somehow.
I can't imagine sharing this time with anyone else. I don't think they would understand. Maybe that's what I'm searching for out here, a companion that understands the significance of these moments. Another creature of the night quite like myself. Till then, I am left to roam these roads alone, finding my fulfillment in the frigid night air, and falling in love over and over again with the moon...