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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Night Wind and The Darknessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: awastedsky
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 103/119/79
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 108
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 598



    Description:
       it was love at first sight


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Night Wind and The Darknessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    one peaceful, telling instance remaining,
    night wind turns to her everything, darkness,
    and she, so small and insecure, mutters,
    'dear darkness, is it only me you love?'

    and the darkness remained solemn.

    he wrapped her up in himself and replied,
    'of course i do, and i will for always.'

    and that was simply enough.

    transcendentalism at its finest
    nature's creatures communicating
    and we nod pretentiously
    as though we are good enough to understand.





    Submitted on 2008-02-21 02:28:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You've got a great theme going on here. I expected the title to lead to description, but it led to romance instead. Nice. I know you asked for thoughts, but my thoughts lead to literal opinions which lead to my comment. I'm not a big fan of lengthy poetry, but in this case I believe more detail is to the advantage of the piece. Not more events, just perhaps more imagery in the introduction, more imagery before the conclusion. It would make the poem more orderly.

    Looking deeper, I'd advise you to write everything out as if your getting marks for presentation. Meaning capital letters at the beginning of a sentance. I also say you should capitalise both "Night Wind" and "Darkness" since they're your characters here. In the 1st stanza, you should replace the comma before "darkness" with a semi-colon and change "mutters" to "muttered" since the rest of your piece is in past tense.

    In the 3rd verse, I feel "himself" is rather vague. Wouldn't something like "he wrapped her up in his shadow and replied" be more entertaining? i."for always"
    is linguistically undecipherable, but changing the line to "I always will" would be fine, especially since it doesn't alter your choice of words or meaning.

    I enjoyed the conclusion. Very powerful. "transcendentalism" - I love that word! And your ending comment is very down-to-earth. Seeing as most of the readers are probably nodding by then, it's an insulting waking call. Beautiful. I do think that replacing "good" with a word more specific would give the line more strength though. Try "deep" or "decent" and see what you think.

    This theme has grand potential, and it could be improved with the slightest adpations.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2008-02-21 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


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