This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Spiritual Paradise

Author: 7makaveli
Elite Ratio:    3.33 - 36 /43 /50
Words: 134
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 898
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 820


Spiritual Paradise

There is a place where there is nothing, that is, until you arrive
You bring with you all the talents, all the experience,
And it is here you put it all as one,
From the vanilla flavored aroma to the eternally gentle breeze,
The blissful humming of your favorite melody,
The greenery of the land joyfully joins the blue sky at the horizon,
There is but one cloud, through which the sun peeks,
And its warmth surrounds you like a furry coat,
Your own fur’s rise arousing sensations,
The damp garden bows at your feet, offering massages,
C-notes fall from the sky, only here you can see a flying lullaby,
You ask “how can something so divine exist outside the mind?”
It may never be realized, until you spend a lifetime…

Submitted on 2008-02-23 15:30:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Good beginning. Original and fairly enjoyable. The lines are modernist poetry at best, and too long for poetry, if a reviewer were to take the other extreme. Sometimes, shorter lines are more effective... but i f u keep these as they are, you do not need too many commas. The lines (length) are punctuation in themselves. Also, a nit "Fur's" may not require a possessive or apostrophe. Good luck on making it a poem in progress, because I enjoyed the content and where it intended to take the reader. Shalom, deonils
| Posted on 2008-02-24 00:00:00 | by DEONILS | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?