Repetition by Razor2TheRosary

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Submission Name: Repetition dots

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Author:	Razor2TheRosary
ASL Info:	20 - f - Philly
Elite Ratio:	8 - 215/98/41
Words:	86

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	137
Average Vote:	3.6667
Bytes:	649

Description:
It certainly isn't my best.

Repetition dots

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I continuously provoke this obsession,
suffocating myself with perverse aggression.
Illness controls me, distorting desperation,
agitating the room with manic vibration.

Your cold fingers slid down my spine again last night,
desecrating the sanctity of modern spite,
violating innocence, molesting a tomb.
Now I'm selling my soul just for dignity's doom.

And I don't want to stare at a ghost anymore,
lighting candles, dissolving in useless allure,
but with a dull sword and another shameful sin,
cruel insanity carves you back into my skin.

Submitted on 2008-02-26 03:48:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  looks down...you know I rarely read other comments but I had to laugh~sorry...don't you just love when someone tries to interpret you and are completely clueless...at least your buddy scissor has a grip on things...

your rhyme~as always never pisses me off cuz it never seems forced and you always use such perfect descriptive words...

"but with a dull sword and another shameful sin,
cruel insanity carves you back into my skin"
definitely some killer lines there...you never cease to amaze me ;)

Well written...quit knocking yourself...you always have quality in your writes... and I say so!

Lisa
| Posted on 2008-02-28 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
  Be careful about using too many gerunds (-ing words) in a short space. Suffocating, distorting, agitating, desecrating, violating, dissolving-- in rapid succession, it tends to become somewhat stagnant and sound very bland to the ear. This can be fixed by changing up a couple of your sentence structures to change the present progressive into something else. For example-- 'they violate' instead of 'violating'.

Your rhyme scheme was suitably varied and imaginative, so kudos on that. Deepdreamer said 'The rhyme doesn't seem to relate directly to the theme in any way,' but I disagree. I think it helps to convey the sense of continuation, the endlessness, the repetition. I think it's very fitting that this poem be in rhyme.
| Posted on 2008-02-26 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece seems to talk about a girl who was molested as a child, and later turned to prostitution - but with every man she gives her body to, she is reminded of that first assault. I believe the theme could be expressed more deeply, without being any less ambiguous. On the other hand, I don't think you were aiming for this to be all that secretive a write, because the interpretation (if mine is correct) seems obvious to me.

The rhyme doesn't seem to relate directly to the theme in any way, I think it's just your preferred style, which is fine. There was nothing actually bad about the piece, I just felt it could have been better. We've all read prostitution writes, we've all read child molestation writes. To compete amongst the poets who've written on these themes, you'll have to give it the best you can. I only say this because I believe you have better.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2008-02-26 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  not sure if i'm interpreting this so please correct me if i'm wrong. is this about past love that you keep letting back in your life to do with you what he wills? the first part is obviously a confession, and a good descriptive one at that, the devils in the details! selling your soul for dignity's doom? wow that's heavy!! and another shameful sin? what is it? i thought this was good, everything you do is good, at least i think so. sorry i was not able to give creative input but only you know what you want to say and how to say it , and you're very good at it, thnx for sharing this, it reminded me of someone from my past, a ghost that sometimes still lingers.
| Posted on 2008-02-26 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]

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