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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Not So Happily Ever Afterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MinervaBlu
    ASL Info:    17 nowhere
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 235/228/174
    Words: 618
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 115
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 4048



    Description:
       Part one to a long story. Please enjoy the read and try to ignore any typos. I'm currently in first hour and had to type fast.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNot So Happily Ever Afterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once upon a time in a far away land,
    a littlr girl was held captive by the Duke of Lang.
    He kidnapped her three weeks after she was born. For the first ten years of her life, he made her work like a slave and sleep in a dank, cold, musty basement.
    When she turned eleven, becoming a women, she slept in his bed. Being deprived of the world and learning, she didn't know what this meant for future years.
    He lessened her chores more and more, till she had none.
    The day she turned thirteen, she learned why she didn't have to cook, clean, or wash anymore.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Come here my pretty Lillith."
    She walked to him quickly, but reluctantly.
    She had noticed the strange way he'd been looking at her.
    "Y-yes?" she asked.
    "I want to study you. The way you've grown."
    He pulled down her corset, gazing at the exposed flesh. She stood rigid and frightened.
    "Yeeessss." he hissed. "A perfectly grown women. Fresh, young, innocent."
    He started to place a hand on her breast, but she quickly stepped back.
    "Do NOT defy me child!"
    WHACK
    His huge, fat hand met her tender, soft cheeck.
    She began crying softly, he smiled and hit her again.
    He threw her to the floor.
    "Maybe innocent doesn't describe you. Always with the stable boys. I should have guessed. That's alright, a girl should be broken in before given to her master."
    He smiled down at the bruise forming on her cheek. She looked at him confused.
    What do the stable boys have to do with this? Broken in? What?
    Her mind reeled with richochetting thoughts.
    She cried on, another strike, then another.
    When she thought the beating was over, he took out his favorite dagger.
    "Spread your legs wench." he said panting.
    When she didn't do as he demanded, he pulled her dress up and pried her unwilling legs apart. "I'm going to show you what it means to be a women." he whispered in a hoarse voice. With that said, he took the dagger and smoothed it across her soft inner thighs. He loved that she was shaking uncontrolably and crying for someone to help.
    He cut deeply into the untouched flesh. Blood cascaded down to the floor. She screamed in pain, that only made him harder.
    She tried and tried to close her legs, but she was limp and weak against his grotesque, fat figure. He pulled off his trousers, exposing his hot desire.
    He grabbed her tiny wrists and made her touch the firmness of him. He moaned in delight. He ran his hand through her blood and tears, wiping it over his manlihood. Just when she thought it could get no worse, he plunged into her. Hard and fast it she was battered and bruised. When he was spent he left her unconscience on the floor.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    She awoke several hours later, confused,
    her body stiff and sore. The memories came flooding back along with a fresh wave of tears.
    "WHY!?" she yelled into the empty room.
    As if cued, one of the stable boys, Mark, came in.
    "What the...?" He ran to her, appalled at the sight of her. Blood stained and crying. At first he didn't know who it was, but upon coming closer, he recognized the usually beautiful face.
    "OH MY LORD!! Are you okay?" he asked quickly. She wanted to move into his arms for comfort. She managed a feeble 'no'.
    "What happened? Who did this to you?"
    "Th..the..Du...du...duke." she stammered
    He looked at her wide eyed and disbelieving.
    He could believe his own father did this.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




    Submitted on 2008-02-26 10:14:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Personally, I find this to be rather strange. I have several suggestions to make.

    1. Check your spelling and grammar. If you don't have a spell checker on whatever word processing program you use, invest in Firefox. Firefox has a spell checker built write into the browser and when you put it into the text box, go through and correct the errors that it finds. You could also always just look back through the piece of writing yourself.

    2. While this coming from my mouth seems rather hypocritical, I feel that it must be said for you to become stronger in third person narrative. You're describing too much in the wrong places. An example of this can be found after the first break.

    "His huge, fat hand met her tender, soft cheeck."

    There's too much going on in that sentence alone. Yo u've described two things, in my opinion, to closely to each other and it seems rather cluttered.

    3. You use exclamation points and capital letters in excess. Instead of "describing" terror, agony, and shock with use of capital letters in dialog, try to use all capital letters extremely sparingly and instead show us with character actions. Is your character shocked or scared? Absolute, frozen stillness; wide eyes; gaping mouth-- they all describe it. Is your character feeling anguish? Shouting and fits of crying should do it. Don't rely on capital letters to portray human emotions.

    4. You've got a scene depicted that I find unrealistically and inappropriately described. The main character was raped, yet when describing the actions of the duke, you make it sound as though you are writing erotica. If you want the readers to sympathize with your main character, you can't make them think that the writing is trying to do this. The vocabulary and terms in this section alone are those that you may find when reading a cheap romance novel. Avoid using "flowery" terms for the human body in rape. It makes it seem innocent and while the main character is innocent, the act of rape is not.

    5. This seems to be more of a strange error, but why is the son of the duke a stable boy? If you tell me that the duke is evil, I will simply tell you that I can see that and that it's no excuse. Realistically speaking, a duke probably would not give his son the work of a slave because the son is still of royal blood and will probably inherit the title of duke after his father dies.

    6. You've also breached the lines of realism in the sense that when raped or having consensual sex, the act of penetration would not produce a river of blood. If you've ever had sex yourself, you'd know that losing your virginity means losing very little blood. The scene being non-consensual sex does not entitle a writer to breach the lines of realism and make blood flood out of the vagina because it wouldn't. It does not add emphasis to the wrongness of the act, all it does is make you sound as though you don't know what you are talking about.
    | Posted on 2008-03-15 00:00:00 | by Stygian | [ Reply to This ]


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