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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Caught in the Blazedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1137
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 947



    Description:
       My biggest fear is burning alive...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCaught in the Blazedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She wakes up and screams
    Her mind is bleeding
    From the thousands of needles
    Behind her eyes

    She throws herself toward the door
    And the handle sears against her skin
    White-hot and branding
    Leaving her no means of escape

    Her lungs are suffocating her
    There is no air in the room
    The thickness of the recycled oxygen
    Pervades her body as she falls

    The atmosphere is scorching
    Like walking barefoot on molten glass
    She reaches weakly for the window
    And presses her face against the cool pane

    They’re leisurely encroaching
    The intruders slowly approaching
    And their burning red eyes glow
    With the crimson blaze of their hate

    She coughs and struggles to get out
    But there is no way now…
    She lays there, slowly dying
    Watching the world burn down




    Submitted on 2008-02-26 19:51:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is really good. Great job of setting it up with the picture too. Great job at describing what is going on. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, it takes those words to make a picture.
    The only thing I can say that would make this a lot better would be to add punctuation at the end of your lines where it is needed. Example:

    "She wakes up and screams.
    Her mind is bleeding
    From the thousands of needles
    Behind her eyes."

    It helps to add pauses and emphasis where it is needed.
    | Posted on 2008-02-27 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved it. The imagery is good, not perfect, but very good. Don't get me wrong im no pro by any means, hell I barely consider myself a quote un-quote writer/poet, but I was so captivated by the first couple stanzas it ended too quickly. I wanted more! ;) Regardless of what I think- good write. You've got talent. Keep it up and I look forward to your next piece.
    Take care.

    -Kyle
    | Posted on 2008-02-26 00:00:00 | by Broken Halo | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG! It's been a long time since I've commented on anyone's writing, but I couldn't let this one go! I only have one thing to say...

    "The atmosphere is scorching
    Like walking barefoot on molten glass
    She reaches weakly for the window
    And presses her face against the cool glass"

    In this I personally would've liked to see something other than another glass, but if you can't find another way to write it, this always works.

    You have amazing images in this piece and I applaud you for facing your greatest fear in this manner. This is horrifying on so many levels but a really terrific write on so many others! I have to fav this one! I'm so very glad I came back to this!!!!!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2008-02-26 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW!! I actually think the worst way to die is drowning, but after reading your peom, i think i changed my mind.

    I loved what you did with this, i could really picture a girl trying to get out of a buring house. I loved it ^_^

    Cry
    | Posted on 2008-02-26 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]


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