Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Gepettodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 449
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1024



    Description:
       This poem is about the imperfections of humanity and how God created humans with their own free will... About how He made his creatures "in his image" and "likeness", though still prone to evil, temptation, and sin. Gepetto is the God figure in this piece, as Pinocchio represents humanity in general.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGepettodots
    -------------------------------------------


    His eyes are like mine.
    Innocent.
    His smile, his cheeks, his face.
    Lovingly crafted
    (who else can tell you that?).
    And then I breathed in him
    (and me, as well)
    an illusion of the rule.

    But lo!--
    though sparse and dainty--
    A rotten tree trunk,
    Moistened by tainted lips
    and corruption from glass eyes,
    seeps through the pores of his
    soiled face.

    And friends are rare, no doubt,
    as he is blinded by the cool azure
    of fairy dust
    to pursue lustful desires
    and fantasies--
    these fairytale creatures!
    Snakes of the sort.

    But alas,
    though a creation so beautiful, so perfect
    (His smile, his cheeks, his face),
    I've built with gears
    solid as jello,
    sturdy as ice,
    prone to imperfection.

    My little boy...
    Black as the sun and pale as the moon,
    forever exposed in broad interview.




    Submitted on 2008-02-27 14:29:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love it. It's very creative, and I'm a sucker for the old Disney movies. It's nice to see not only a fresh concept, but a very original take on it. There seems to be a shortage of that sort of thing nowadays.

    My only nitpick is
    "And then I breathed in him."

    I admit it, I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi. In him would imply being inside of him. It should be into him, I think. Honestly, I think the extra syllable would make that line flow better anyway, but that's just me.

    Kudos, keep writing,
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2008-02-27 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    158196

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Stretto written by saartha
    This written by Chelebel
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Chelebel
    ME written by jjd
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    By the bar written by expiring_touch
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Genesis written by saartha
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry